Magician Who Pulled Quarter From Trump’s Ear Named New Treasury Secretary
“Given Duke’s ability to generate money from ears, combine two rings into one, and materialize rabbits from his hat, he is overqualified for the position.”
Tag Archives: Trump
Trump Proposes “Smushing” The Koreas Together To End Border Conflict
“Trump kept pushing his hands together, attempting to push two imaginary landmasses across an ethereal demilitarized zone; his face reportedly became increasingly purple as well.”
Barron Trump Entertained by Puppet Government
Several sources close to the Trump family have voiced concern over how much time he spends watching the soulless pawns dance across the screen, but Marcellus isn’t worried: “If anything, this is what his father would have wanted.”
Pissing Off Minority Group with Weapons Training is Greatest Move to Date, Nation Agrees
At press time, the White House was frantically sandbagging the doors and windows as neat regiments of transgender Navy Seals politely waited outside to have a word with the commander in chief.
Area Woman Forgets Trump Is President, Has 6 Solid Minutes of Peace
“Most mornings, I wake up, check my phone and see a CNN or BBC notification that Trump has gutted the EPA or said something was racist, but this morning was weirdly peaceful.”
Ethics Probe: Ivanka Must Be Paid for Feeding Her Father Blood of the Uninsured
Once aware that Ivanka’s position was textbook nepotism and that she was feeding her father the blood of those less fortunate, the House committee was forced to publicly condemn their fellow Republicans.
English Student Supports STEM But Only By Retweeting @RogueNASA
In lieu of her inability to really understand science, Owens has decided to show she cares by retweeting snippets about important scientific advancements and discoveries from the recently created Rouge NASA.
FCC to Mandate “Newspeak” Browser Extension
Under the regulation, every American will be required to use a browser extension that translates potentially subversive texts to politically acceptable language, to take effect February 25.
Republican RA to Counter Walkout with Muslim Lockout
“This new policy will both keep Hinman safe from all forms of Terrorism and make those liberals regret every protesting.”
Women’s March to Conveniently End at Neiman Marcus
“Many of us have returns in our trunks and they’re having a great sale—20% off to accommodate the 20% less we get on our paychecks.”