Melania could not be reached for comment, as she was busy staring out a White House window, her hand pressed against the cold glass, thinking of the days when she was a young girl and had nothing, and how much she took those days for granted.
“I got them all, folks,” the actual president said to raucous cheers from his unpaid Secret Service guards.
Look—I’m not usually in favor of violence. However, I’ve been appalled by media attacks on Netflix over their new pricing plan. I have a simple message for my fellow Netflix customers who are considering defecting: if Netflix CEO Reed Hastings were to shoot someone in broad daylight on Fifth Avenue, I would have no qualms about continuing my subscription. The reason is simple: consider the alternatives. I’m not saying Netflix is perfect, but it’s sure better than Hulu. Is it
At press time, President Trump had already cancelled the executive order after realizing that it would have banned slander, lying, showing partiality to the rich, and of course, letting your hair become unkempt.
In a surprise move, the White House announced Wednesday that Attorney General Jeff Sessions had resigned to return to his seasonal gig at Santa’s workshop. In a statement read by Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the administration called Session’s departure “regrettable but necessary.” The statement lamented that the Christmas season is starting “earlier and earlier…like, its not even Thanksgiving but CVS is already playing Michael Bublé tracks on repeat.” Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein spoke Thursday about the personal impact
Trump’s speech has been widely regarded as a shining example of political decency and civility. Many are also applauding his masterful turn of phrase and elegant use of language in his speech.
“I saw it was from my grandpa, and I knew I had made a mistake when I mentioned my gender studies class to my family over the holidays.”
“Given Duke’s ability to generate money from ears, combine two rings into one, and materialize rabbits from his hat, he is overqualified for the position.”
“Trump kept pushing his hands together, attempting to push two imaginary landmasses across an ethereal demilitarized zone; his face reportedly became increasingly purple as well.”
Several sources close to the Trump family have voiced concern over how much time he spends watching the soulless pawns dance across the screen, but Marcellus isn’t worried: “If anything, this is what his father would have wanted.”