“[The Band is] totally turned on by victory,” said Tom, a Medill junior who would not give his last name. “And by big sticks,” he added. The Marching Band is believed to be entering a new relationship with the Women’s Field Hockey Team.
While Schapiro failed the definitive Packard-Woller Extraterrestrial Examination, the Tanzer-Pfaff Jewish Ratio found that the name “Schapiro” has the requisite 5:3 proportion of consonants to vowels, denoting a 78% probability of Jewishness.
Student Affairs has been maintaining surveillance on every married Northwestern student since PTI’s hiring in 2011. This is the first affair uncovered in the history of the division.