Schapiro warned that the campaign would not be easy. “There are certain to be challengers funded by special interest groups and a capella musicians, if you can call that ‘music.’ There are certain to be vicious ads taped to the sidewalk which will remain long after the campaign is done.”
I told myself I would only have a couple drinks. Just enough to ease my nerves for the convocation speech, you know? But PTI kept handing me shot after shot. She may not look it, but let me tell you, PTI can really throw it down.
“I felt as if the longer I stood within this lonely and hollow place, the more lonely and hollow I myself would become,” sobbed President Schapiro.
Friends, Wildcats, Countrymen, lend me your beers;
You came to register on CAESAR, not to praise it.
With evils that men program into it,
The good is oft interred with their codes;
So let it be with CAESAR.
Guest contributor Morton Owen Schapiro argues that yes, raising tuition is an unfortunate necessity in today’s economic climate, while Morty Schapiro counters that HELL YES, have you SEEN the prices for these FUCKING FLOWERS?!?
EVANSTON — Northwestern University President Morton Schapiro announced yesterday afternoon after his annual meeting with President Obama that he found the U.S. President’s tactics using drone strikes against American enemies extremely inspiring. “In fact,” President Schapiro said, “I am releasing an NU executive order right at this moment, and yes, per the latest ASG legislation nobody has read, I can do that, that the university administration is hereby allowed to launch drones against the enemies of the university.” The new
EVANSTON – The online quiz site Sporcle.com released its weekly college rankings Monday, and Northwestern University was for the first time in the Top 10. “While the number 10 is really not much different than, say, 12 or 13,” explained Northwestern President Morty Schapiro in an email to students sent at 2:00 AM, “it represents a symbolic victory in our decimal-based society. Let us celebrate our recognition as a top-tier school, where our students are able to name the US
MORTY’S SECRET HIDEOUT – Resident superhero Morty, otherwise known as Morton Owen Schapiro, was called once again to fight the forces of evil when his archenemy City-Council-Man, threatened to “close all the brothels.” Morty, alerted to this danger by “Save the Brothels” signs around campus, immediately donned his superhero costume – a purple sweater, purple tights, and very cute rimless glasses – and went off to investigate. Before leaving his secret hideout (which this reporter can exclusively reveal to be
EVANSTON – “Evanston residents are at it again,” Northwestern President Morty Schapiro announced Wednesday. “They are continuing to put their own petty desires ahead of the needs of Northwestern students.” The issue in question is whether the Tilted Kilt, a local Scottish-themed “Hooters-esque” restaurant, should be granted a liquor license. Evanston residents sent city hall a resounding “NO,” having collected nearly 2,200 signatures on a petition showing their displeasure. Schapiro, however, swooped in and saved the day, using his ninja-like
EVANSTON – University president Morton Schapiro has revealed plans to build a gigantic indoor ski slope on the property currently occupied by the engineering school building. Known to students as “Tech,” the multi-billion-dollar facilities that make up the complex will be replaced by a snowy mountain resort for the students’ leisure. According to Schapiro, landscaping crews will make room for the winter-themed amusement park by relocating the Robert R. McCormick School for Engineering, the Ford Design Center, and the Northwestern