“It’s like she used this tired gimmick to distract us from how self-isolation is deteriorating her mental health,” said her classmate Darrell Jamison, RTVF ‘22. “The propeller looks pretty funny, but I’m not laughing. I’m concerned.”
“I think I blacked out somewhere around my sixth Tequila Sunrise, and by the time I whited back in, I was sitting in a classroom inside this really gothic-looking building. All the students around me looked dead inside. I later found out I was in a Particle Physics class at UChicago.”
At 9 p.m. last night, chess club president Jonny Kaplan, MEAS ’18, found the room he’d reserved in Kresge completely empty, burst into tears and cried out “They must have midterms!”
“It was hard to tell with those Physics kids, but it all became clear when we entered an English classroom. Those kids wouldn’t go near a number unless it had to do with the grade they think decides their future.”
The cast dispersed quickly and none were harmed. Once they all went into their dressing rooms, they were far enough away from each other to keep things at a safe, inflammable level.
Multiple reports out of Starbucks Headquarters have confirmed that as a direct result of Starbuck’s recent and controversial cup design, ISIS has won.
“I was fine at the beginning, but now I’m just not into it anymore.”
Senior captain Brandon Vitabile commented on the unfortunate situation. “I can’t believe it. To come all this way only to find out it was all for nothing.”
“Our team was literally supposed to be amazing now that we beat Wisconsin. I don’t think I can handle all this disappointment.”