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Utah Admits to Not Counting Presidential Election Ballots

November 13, 2012 Brian Lee Leave a comment

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Officials from Utah admitted yesterday that they entirely skipped counting the ballots from last week’s general election. Instead of tallying the votes, the Office of Lieutenant Governor, which handles elections in the Beehive State, admitted to just making up numbers that add up to rough estimates of voter turnout. Major news outlets first noticed discrepancies when election projections were made seconds after polls closing with no precincts actually reporting. These discrepancies went largely unnoticed when

Crunchwrap Supreme Court Sentences Cereal Killer to Death

January 16, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

WASHINGTON – The Crunchwrap Supreme Court announced Tuesday their verdict in UBFA v. Kellogg, affirming the death sentence for Barry Kellogg issued by the 11th Court of Applepeels. The verdict did not come as a surprise after a photograph of the defendant surfaced that provided nearly insurmountable evidence of the defendant’s guilt. Ruth Bader Ginsburger, who wrote the majority opinion, summarized the photograph: “Kellogg is standing with one of the victims, Trixie Leporis. Both are smiling; the defendant has evidently

People Stand in Gym and Tell Each Other Which Old White Guy They Like Best

January 11, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

DES MOINES – Last Tuesday, Iowans gathered in gyms, homes, and other buildings across the state to discuss who their favorite old white guys were. Herds of people thronged in and around buildings. They stood around and talked for a while. Some people waved signs with pretty decorations. There was a lot of shouting. Then they wrote a name on a piece of paper and left. This name was the name of their favorite old white guy. The old white

“Joe the Plumber” Launches Presidential Bid; Rick Perry Still Dumbest GOP Candidate

October 29, 2011 Killian Young Leave a comment

TOLEDO, OH – Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, better known as “Joe the Plumber,” unexpectedly announced Thursday his plans to challenge Obama in the 2012 presidential election. John McCain and Sarah Palin used “Joe the Plumber” as a metaphor for the middle class in the 2008 presidential election, so Wurzelbacher already enjoys nationwide name recognition. His platform focuses entirely on bad plumbing puns and one promise: “They’re not going to catch me in a lie.” One political commentator pointed out that an

Obama Discussed As Dark-Horse GOP Presidential Candidate

October 10, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

WASHINGTON – With the first Republican primaries right around the corner and the current batch of Republican candidates offering the less-than-compelling choice between “the crazy one” and “the one who didn’t win last time,” the GOP has realized it will need a charismatic personality to dethrone sitting president Barack Obama. Specifically, they need former Illinois Senator Barack Obama. The possibility of an Obama run for the Republican nomination was first discussed by Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, who claimed that

Chris Christie Decides Not to Go For a Run

October 6, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

Obama Completes Every Quiz on Sporcle; Republicans Win the House

November 10, 2010 Rhaina Cohen Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—President Obama announced his accomplishment of all 116,365 games on Sporcle one week after the 60-seat Republican sweep of the House. With Republican legislators sure to halt any legislation supported by the Democrats, Obama now has free time to kick back in the Oval Office. “After Tuesday night, I got to thinking about all of those college-aged young people who came out in droves for me in 2008 and considered going to polls this election but decided to watch The

Republicans Warn Against Withdrawal from Iraq: “Pulling Out is not an Effective Method”

November 16, 2009 Chase Sund Leave a comment

Cheney Ready to Lead Death Panels

September 16, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

WASINGTON—The former Vice-President has led an outspoken life after completing his second term in January. There is little doubt that he has been critical of the Democratic majority, particularly of President Obama’s decision to close Guantanamo Bay. He was heavily opposed to Obama’s new health care plan as well, until he learned of government “death panels.” “These new death panels,” Dick Cheney told The Flipside in an exuberant state, “will do great things for the American people. It will finally