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Northwestern Student Not Invited To Enough Parties To Have Drinking Problem

February 10, 2019 Alessandra Hernández Leave a comment

Surveys conducted by HPaW reveal that a shocking 31% of Northwestern students have a dangerously low blood alcohol content which coincides with a precipitous decline in the population’s party invites. The social capital of students with functioning livers is apparently critically low. “It’s a self-perpetuating cycle,” Mason Wincheski, Weinberg junior, sighs as he wipes a small paper cut with a disinfectant wipe in the desperate hope to get alcohol into his system. “Everyone knows anyone worth anything has an unhealthy

UChicago Lifts 127-Year-Old Social Ban

April 5, 2017 Michael Miller Leave a comment

A week after Northwestern’s Interfraternity Council lifted its 9-week-old social ban on Greek-sponsored parties, University of Chicago administrators announced today that they too would be ending their university’s social ban, which has been in place for the entirety of the school’s 127-year existence. “When we put the social ban in place, we were very concerned about the prevalence of sexual assault, along with race-mixing and Spanish imperialism.” University of Chicago President Robert J. Zimmer said. “Since then, I think we’ve

Students Waste All of Reading Week Studying

March 14, 2014 Jordan Scherer Leave a comment

“I kept telling myself this quarter would be different,” said Dover. “I was going to catch up on the entire third season of Homeland and re-watch Mean Girls twice before finals. But I spent the entire week doing chemistry practice problems.”

Students Complain about Evanston Residents’ Party

October 8, 2013 Drake Sieber Leave a comment

“This is a college town, a place for quiet study nights and no fun whatsoever. I’ve had just about enough of these Evanston residents interfering with my college lifestyle,” said a third-floor resident who wished to remain anonymous.

You Better Fucking Believe There are Girls at This Party, Sources Say

October 6, 2013 Tyler Daswick Leave a comment

According to sources deep in the heart of the fraternity quad, you better go all-in on that party tonight, because wow, is there some serious babe-age over there.

Editorial from a Prospie: “You Guys, I Totally Drink”

April 11, 2013 Caroline Picard One comment

Hey guys! Sorry, I’m little hungover from the two handles of beer I had last night. I mean, that doesn’t even compare to the time my mom bought me vodka. I had three shots! Shit got so crazy, I can’t even tell you. (Except I’m going to tell you.) So me and my bros were just chilling when my ‘rents were out to dinner, and we were getting kind of bored so I was like, “Yo, bros, let’s get schwasty.”