NU Golfers Won’t Stop Talking about the Masters to Empty Classroom
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Class of 2017 Excited to “Hang Out at the Lakefill and Eat Frontera”
THE INTERNET — The Northwestern University Class of 2017 Facebook group saw a three-hundred percent increase in activity this past week when soul-searching accepted student Alyssa Gianonne asked the deep and philosophical question preoccupying every early-decision applicant’s mind: “So what’s everyone, like, MOST excited for next year?” Gianonne commented on her own post thirty seconds later explaining that marching through the historic campus arch, erected in 1993, is something that she predicts will be life changing. Within minutes, Gianonne’s post
Northwestern and the Chicago Cubs Announce Plans to go on Biggest Loser
Michelin Reviews the Keg, ***
By Gloria Arugula Sitting down at the Keg of Evanston as some refreshing pop plays in the background, the first thing I notice is the ambiance. Quiet Northwestern students are studying at booths, enjoying some fresh Keg Popcorn. It’s a peaceful environment, but the dust collecting on the bar and poles is disconcerting. I order a hamburger and the server asks with a sigh if I’d like anything else to drink. Though the liquor license is gone, the Keg remains
Northwestern to Start 2012 Academic Year in 2013
Mayor Tisdahl to Shut Down Northwestern Keg: Musings of a Drunk Medill Student
Somebody pass me a goddamn rum and coke.
Pat Fitzgerald Arrested for Acts of Humanitarianism
“[T]he legacy of Northwestern football will no longer be defined by mediocre success but rather by the monstrosities of one man’s actions.”
Freshman Still Believes She Will Visit Chicago Sometime
EVANSTON – McCormick Freshman Casey Chad said Monday that she still believes that she will spend a significant amount of time in downtown Chicago at some point this year. “During fall quarter I just had to get acquainted with Northwestern and make friends who will come to the city with me,” Chad explained. “Next quarter I’m going to go to the city for sure! Well, maybe not winter quarter, actually, because it’ll be cold. It gets really cold in Chicago,
Asian Parents Disappointed that Rice Game Was about Football
Attendance at Ryan Field was up 30 percent after all the Asian parents with children at Northwestern attended their first football game. The dramatic upswing occurred when the parents, who collectively split three orders at Joy Yee’s before kickoff, learned that the game had something to do with Rice.
Sexual Assault Awareness Group Receives 300K of Federal Money—Totally Not Suspicious
In a completely understandable move in the midst of the largest recession of the past seventy years, the US Federal Government gave $300,000 to Northwestern’s Campus Coalition on Sexual Violence. Spokesperson for the US Department of Justice, Paul Barts, commented that the use of the funds was absolutely, totally legitimate, as politicians and governmental workers never take bribes or keep people quiet with money. Joseph Gupta, the head of a campus group called United Conspiracy Theorists, says the money is