Shots Fired From 70 Arts Circle Dr. Tragically Miss Local Improv Troupe
After the smoke cleared and adrenaline levels returned to normal, the student body was met with tragic news: the shots had missed the local improv troupes.
Tag Archives: northwestern
NUFB Says Mayo Tub Fight Night “Not Hazing, Just Business”
Despite outcry from many current and former students, NUFB claims that its most recent scandal — Mayo Tub Fight Night — was “not hazing, just business”.
Bribery, Groveling, and 3 Other Ways to Get Off the Waitlist for That Class You Need to Graduate
The odds that your professor has done something problematic that has ended up online are incredibly high. All you need to do is find the evidence.Â
CAPS, ZenLeaf Merge To Launch “Just Touch Grass” Campaign
Students who can’t turn that frown upside down after 3 CAPS appointments will receive vouchers for free flower.
Soulja Boy puts Flipside-Sherman Ave feud to rest: “Fuck these fools! I was the first rapper to make a biting satirical news publication that not only takes aim at the absurdity of elite academic institutional life but also provides commentary on global events from a uniquely collegiate perspective!”
Big Draco stopped short of requesting a 5% cut of club funding, noting the Associated Student Government mandated budgets for each publication.
Students Release Collective Sigh Of Relief After University Acknowledges “Strange And Unprecedented Times”
“It’s just really nice to know they care, you know? To know that they recognize how hard this has all been.”
Burnt-Out Senior Joins 200-Level Poetry Class Butt Naked with Poem About the Futility of Higher Education
“Not even a sweatband with his frat’s logo on it to keep his quarantine haircut out of his eyes!”
How to Take Him Seriously After You Saw Him Wrestle His Hammock on the Lakefill for 20 Minutes and Then Lose
Maybe he’s never had any trouble getting it up before.
New Study Shows Over 200% of Northwestern Students Ignore the “One Book” Emails
“Such emails serve absolutely no purpose, other than reminding the majority of students how shitty they are for not reading whatever book it was that they were supposed to.”
Northwestern Students Relieved to Learn Marriage Pact Isn’t Legally Binding
While the news about the pact is being well received, it really begs the question – why would anyone think it was binding?