“Even though I often envy schools like North Carolina and Syracuse for their rich basketball traditions and tournament success this year, I also recognize the value of basic literacy.”
“I was hoping a curve would bring my pass completion rate up to at least like, an 80%,” said Trevor Siemian, Northwestern’s quarterback.
“Such a nice boy, even if his brain is a little mushy. Oh well, it’s not like anyone ever forced him to play football,” said head custodian Alexander Jones.
WAUKESHA, WI — Jordan Stralisky was surprised to learn during Wildcat Days that the city of Chicago is visible from the Northwestern Campus. “We drove like three hours to get from Waukesha to Northwestern, and on the tour we saw downtown Chicago from just outside Norris. I had no idea you could see Chicago from Northwest Illinois!” Stralisky said. “I have family in Dubuque, so it’ll be great to be just a short drive from the Iowa border in case
EVANSTON — Everyone at Chris Collins’ press conference was waiting to ask the obvious question: what will he do to improve NU basketball’s CTECs? Coach Bill Carmody, who was fired after thirteen years of employment, saw the reported amount of time in practice drop dramatically on his CTECs, as well as low ratings for stimulating interest in the subject and overall rating of the instruction. For years, players have had plenty of time to fill out their basketball CTECs, since
At press time, the street price per ounce of Tostitos chips had shot up to $1,200, leading to a resurgence of the phrase “Worth its weight in cocaine.”