Morty Inconsolable After Visiting Haunted House
After half an hour spent making sure the spiders around the bar weren’t real, Morty allegedly worked up the courage to venture deeper into the house.
Tag Archives: Morty
McCormick Student Gets Laid, Earning Honorary Doctorate
“Mr. Emerson’s heroic actions epitomize Whole-Brain Engineering.”
Morty Replaces Water in Water Fountains with Juice From Juicy Drop Pops
“Personally, I just enjoy it so much I figured the student body would appreciate it, too.”
NU President Colluded with Russian Lit Professor on New Book
“Furthermore, we believe that Morson’s humanities agenda influenced most, if not all, of Schapiro’s economic positions outlined in the book.”
Morty Announces Plan for $80 Million Temple to Phaeraxys, Goddess of Construction
After falling asleep during a board meeting, Morty explained that the all-powerful deity appeared in a dream and commanded him to build the 5-story, 30,000-square-foot temple.
Classes Cancelled as Morty Loses Key to Northwestern
“This definitely isn’t the first time Morty has had to cancel class due to his forgetfulness. One day during my sophomore year, we couldn’t have morning classes because Morty forgot to wake up the professors.”
Morty Further Delays Sheridan Construction to Play with Kickass Bulldozer
“Morty doesn’t have a long attention span. Soon he’ll be caught up in his next misadventure and construction can continue as planned. No biggie.”
NU Landscaping Tells Terrified Morty About the Birds and the Bees
Repeatedly stopping to calm down the jittery college president, sources reported today that Northwestern landscaping officials told Morton Schapiro all about the birds and the bees.
Morty Exchanges 200 Dave & Busters Tickets for Wildcats Nightlight
While giddily walking away from the prize counter, Northwestern president Morton Schapiro told reporters today that he had exchanged 200 Dave & Busters tickets for a Wildcats nightlight. “I’m a really big Northwestern sports fan, so I’m super excited to have my very own Wildcats nightlight. Oh boy!” Morty exclaimed. Morty reportedly earned the 200 tickets over several hours playing Skee-Ball, whack-a-mole, and pop-a-shot basketball. He was chaperoned around the venue by members of the Board of Trustees. “You should
Morty Hotboxes Safe Space
Sources close to Morty revealed how glad he is to have places like this on campus where he can just go chill out, smoke, and not have to worry about being attacked for who he is.