“Please, I have delivered on my part. Let me hold my son, Zachariah ‘Zac-Attack’ Zuckerman, again. Let me see my wife, Zora Zelda Zuckerman. I even made you #15 in Best Value Schools, right above the University of Chicago!”
In a rambling speech on Tuesday, University President Morton Shapiro admitted to Northwestern’s Board of Trustees that he’s not really sure why he can’t keep seeing his pediatrician. “I just felt like I had a special connection with Dr. Tottles,” Morty lamented to the confused room of trustees, who thought they were getting a speech about the university budget. “Every time he would put one of my little hairs under his microscope and tell me he could see AND in
Athletic trainers and strength coaches workshopped several ideas before they arrived upon the piggy-backing.
Northwestern obliged with a long-standing Big Ten policy and provided the Cornhuskers with eight metric tons of corn to satisfy the team’s so-called “craze for the graze.”
“I knew I should have put on my Willie the Wildcat apron before dishing out such a hearty bowl of chili.”
“Morty floods our inboxes every day with notifications about yet another tuition hike and impassioned rants about why cats are better than dogs. Whenever a student objects, he immediately blocks them so that they can’t respond to his emails. Then, he goes onto their course pages and secretly changes the dates of all their midterms.”
Sources have been reporting for the last few days that Northwestern President Morton “Morty” Schapiro has recently decided to bust out his temporary tattoo collection in preparation for Dillo Day.
“I noticed Morty barreling down the sidewalk on a forklift that must have been holding at least a thousand samosas. He had a very guilty look on his face, and he gave me $6,000 dollars for promising not to tell anyone.”
Apparently not understanding the difference between “university president” and “student-body president,” Morty Schapiro has permanently moved to Nicaragua under the assumption that the new ASG president has replaced him.
The maiden voyage of the jewel-encrusted sea vessel had been scheduled for yesterday despite inclement weather warnings.