Cold Weather Making Life “Really Hard” for Kids in Thousand-Dollar Jackets
“Making Northwestern a safe place for incredibly rich shitheads is more or less part of our mission statement,” Schapiro said.
Tag Archives: Morty
Morty Tries To Cut SESP Budget, Surprised To Find It Doesn’t Exist
The School of Education and Social Policy, or SESP, is the latest Northwestern institution to fall victim to the recent wave of attempted budget cuts. However, President Morty Schapiro was shocked to find out that SESP does not have a budget in the first place. In an official statement, Morty expressed his disappointment in light of this startling turn of events. “Not gonna lie, I’m pretty bummed. I was hoping to cop at least a few thousand,” he admitted. “I
Budget Crisis Means Only Holiday Music in Norris is Morty Singing “Little Drummer Boy”
With the budget crisis in full effect, Northwestern might not have anything to deck the halls with, but that hasn’t stopped Northwestern President Morton Schapiro from attempting to spread the good cheer.
Northwestern Professors Now Selling PowerPoint Ad Space to Close Budget Gap
Schapiro insisted that selling ad space is not mandatory. However, his rule that those who did not comply would have to spend a night as a Bobb RA has made PowerPoint ads quite popular among professors.
Schapiro’s “Ofmorty” Joke Falls Flat at Handmaid’s Tale Keynote
At most there were a few sharp inhales, but that was as close to laughter as Schapiro got.
Morty Still Waiting for Class of 2021 to Venmo Him for Hamilton Tickets
After waiting a year for the Class of 2021 to get back to him, Morty Schapiro publicly announced this week that he is still waiting on each and every one of them to Venmo him for the Hamilton tickets from last year. “Listen, I thought I was very clear in how this deal works,” stated a very disgruntled Morty, “I get the tickets, and you guys just Venmo me back the full $200 for your own. Our school is in
Morty Embroiled in Scandal After Cheating During Game of Guess Who
A rule breach in a game of Guess Who could result in Moriarty Schapiro going on a long time out, or even getting grounded for a few days.
Mysterious “Creature of the Lakefill” Revealed to be Morty Night-Swimming
“I didn’t want to frighten anyone. I just like playing around with the ducks.”
Morty Goes on Secret Tinder Date to the World Series
The two were seen bundled for warmth underneath the romantic lights of a Fenway Park box.
Morty Hoping He’ll Get More than Natty Light While Trick or Treating at Frat Houses
“I am hoping by the end of this I will have enough candy to last until Christmas. Maybe they’ll even throw a few Keystones in there too.”