âAll first- and second-year students can come visit campus once this winter, if they want,â said Schapiro. âYou know, as a treat.â
After the wildly unsuccessful âBay of Pigs Internship Programâ, itâs only natural that administration is tightening their application requirements.
Itâs no secret to NU students that the school has problems managing money, from administration blowing millions on football games to continuing to fund the theater program. However, recent statements out of the office of the president indicate that these troubles may be over. When Morty Schapiro went into a budget meeting with several of the financial experts in charge of the universityâs endowment with one of those bats with nails in it, reporters were unsure of the outcome. However
At long last, once the new Lakefill is constructed, students will be able to easily access Gary, Indiana for a long-overdue new college town experience.
Thousands of students convened on the Lakefill Friday night for President Morton Schapiroâs much-anticipated mystery announcement. Said Schapiro: âAfter considering our budget allocations, we realized that we werenât putting enough towards our studentsâ mental health. Thatâs why weâre encouraging students to clear their heads with walk along the beautiful Lake Michigan; which will now be a nature-filled forty-three mile stretch. Go âCats!â Clamorous applause and cheering erupted instantly the moment Schapiro yanked the curtain off his scale model of âLakefill
âYou can get upset at me for what seems to be a blatant breach of fairness in admissions, but you canât deny the hustleâ said Shapiro.
At press time, Morty had reportedly compiled a list of potential stage names for himself, with the frontrunner being âMo Jonasâ.
After months of the budget crisis plaguing the university, Northwestern President Morton Shapiro issued a desperate message to investors not to worry because âIn Shapiro-Bucks, weâre fine!â.
“I understand that boys will be boys, but nobody should have to endure the agony of a student a cappella show.”
âI donât understand how 8,000 undergrads can look at me and only see my ten-billion dollar endowment and multi-million annual salary. Iâm, like, a really good listener!â