âI think itâs going to hurt the most vulnerable among the Northwestern Community: alumni that name drop Northwestern during every conversation and claim that the Ivy League is âa social construct.ââ
At press time, Morty had reportedly compiled a list of potential stage names for himself, with the frontrunner being âMo Jonasâ.
âWe are honored to present Bandit âthe Outdoor Roombaâ with this degree,â stated university President Morton Shapiro, âthis little trash thief is singlehandedly reducing each of our carbon footprints and we feel itâs time to recognize his achievements.â
âFurthermore, we believe that Morsonâs humanities agenda influenced most, if not all, of Schapiroâs economic positions outlined in the book.â
To my knowledge, Morty is not black, or any other race other than white.
âHis costume totally rejected gender binary,â said Veronica Keller, SESP â20. âYou honestly couldnât tell if he was being slutty in a dude way or a girl way.”
Tuition Hike has already been met with intense scrutiny by some of the most renowned critics in the music industry.
Travolta pointed out academic buildings such as “Kierkegaard,” “Luddite,” “Annabel,” and, of course, “Trick Inspector.” The hopeful teenagers walked under “The Ache,” observed the beautifully painted “Rob,” and Instagrammed pictures of Chicago from the grassy “Lank Flank.”
Tears were shed as the hero of the day approached the microphone for a speech. Patricia Telles-Irvin was spotted comforting Pat Fitzgerald, softly purring, “There, there. Who needs the Big Ten? You got Maine and that was good!”
While Schapiro failed the definitive Packard-Woller Extraterrestrial Examination, the Tanzer-Pfaff Jewish Ratio found that the name âSchapiroâ has the requisite 5:3 proportion of consonants to vowels, denoting a 78% probability of Jewishness.