Bears Make Playoffs – Ha! That’s a Good One!
Tag Archives: Football
Pat Fitzgerald Arrested for Acts of Humanitarianism
“[T]he legacy of Northwestern football will no longer be defined by mediocre success but rather by the monstrosities of one manâs actions.”
Asian Parents Disappointed that Rice Game Was about Football
Attendance at Ryan Field was up 30 percent after all the Asian parents with children at Northwestern attended their first football game. The dramatic upswing occurred when the parents, who collectively split three orders at Joy Yee’s before kickoff, learned that the game had something to do with Rice.
Fitz Bribes Penn State Coach to Ensure Homecoming Win
EVANSTONâAfter enduring four grueling consecutive losses, Northwestern students and fans everywhere are finding it difficult to keep their spirits up. However, it was recently discovered that head coach Pat Fitzgerald has offered head coach of Penn State University Joe Paterno an irresistible bribe to secure a win this coming Saturday for the homecoming game. âI offered him season tickets to see us âCats play next year. I figured it was an experience he couldnât otherwise get and one that most
Pro Bowl 2011: AFC Quarterbacks Throw More Interceptions Than Completions; No One Cares
Jay Cutler Now an Aries, Doomed to Lose to Packers
CHICAGO â The Chicago Bears organization announced Tuesday that quarterback Jay Cutler would never again defeat the Green Bay Packers due to the realignment of the zodiac. According to head coach Lovie Smith, team psychic Mademoiselle Estrelanga Strelengelthop completed her analysis of what the stars have in store for the Bears Monday evening, when the alignment of Jupiter and Sirius was conducive to productive astrologizing. The results were not good for Bears fans. âSince we finally realized that the zodiac
Northwestern Already Trailing 21-0 in Next Yearâs Bowl Game
“It seemed right that we should let the other team score a few times before the game started.”
Randy Mossâs Feelings Hurt After Being Cut by Two Teams
EA Sports Announces New Willpower Attribute in Madden 2011
MAITLAND, FLORIDAâElectronic Arts, the makers of the popular Madden NFL series, today announced a brand new attribute for Madden NFL ’11 named “Willpower.” “We really felt that Tim Tebow transcends the game of football and that he deserved his own category,” said lead designer Ian Cummings. “Tebow’s skill set doesn’t fit into traditional categories like arm strength, accuracy and field awareness. He brings another facet to the game that’s never been seen before.” Despite possessing mediocre ratings in throwing power
Blue Team and Gold Team Play Football Game, Reports Area Girlfriend
EVANSTONâA team wearing blue uniforms and a team wearing gold uniforms played a football game last Sunday, according to SESP senior Cailey Rapp. âThere was a bunch of running involved,â explained Rapp, whose boyfriend Ezra Dowd is a diehard gold team fan. âAt one point, all the men in the room started yelling,â explained Rapp, âbut I didnât see what happened because I was busy texting my girls.â The dedicated girlfriend explained that her favorite part of the experience was,