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Bears Hire Canadian as Head Coach in Hopes of Missing Playoffs

January 22, 2013 Flippy Leave a comment

CHICAGO — A recent change in head coach is the Chicago Bears’ latest step in their journey to become NFL Draft Champions for the fourth consecutive year. Instead of hiring a proven and successful NFL coach like Joe Gibbs or even an extremely successful college football coach like Nick Saban, the Bears decided to change things up by going for a coach from the Mexico of the North, Marc Trestman, head coach of the Montreal Alouettes. When he was introduced

Big Ten Looks to be Even Shittier with Addition of Rutgers, Maryland

November 20, 2012 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

PARK RIDGE, IL — Over the past several weeks, the Big Ten conference conducted talks with perennial bottom dwellers Rutgers University and the University of Maryland about adding them to the conference and making a 14-team league. This week, negotiations have concluded, and both Maryland and Rutgers will be joining the conference by 2014. “Big Ten football teams did a great job of fucking up this year by losing to almost every non-conference opponent we played, but it’s not enough,”

Sorority’s BYE Game Tailgate a “Big Success”

November 3, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Delta Delta Delta Delta reported to The Flipside that their tailgate before Saturday’s football game was a “big success.” Chapter president Andrea Gulotta bubbled, “There were so many people there! We had some drinks, played a little catch, grilled on the porch. We sure showed BYE that the Wildcats are for real this year. Go ‘Cats!” Although Gulotta was unable to recall the exact score of the game—she said she left Ryan Field around halftime—she was sure Northwestern

Defensive Line Benched for Fashion Faux Pas

October 26, 2012 Matt Middleton One comment

EVANSTON — Although there has been a lot of hype around the recently ranked Northwestern Football team, the Wildcats will be playing this Saturday without their starting defensive line. As the Northwestern community has long been aware, the team has a strict dress policy on weekdays: a Northwestern Football sweatshirt with a complementary pair of gray or black sweat pants. Any attempt to disobey this policy results in severe punishment. This past Monday, the defensive line boldly disregarded the rules,

Status Quo Resumes as Northwestern Finally Begins Decline into Oblivion

October 6, 2012 Michael Guenzl Leave a comment

Despite Record Yardage, Northwestern Almost Doesn’t Not Blow 27-Point Lead

September 29, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

NU’s Most Diverse Class Ever Expected to Be Very Different from Last Year’s

September 10, 2012 Sam Block Leave a comment

Their first football home game will not be when the seasons is already one third of the way through, they won’t get lost in tech, and they won’t discover that Edzo’s truffle fries are even greater than getting laid.

Athlete Fails to Grasp Why 110% Sale Is Losing Money

April 10, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – NFL Hall of Famer Joe Namath will not be entering the hypothetical Well-Run-Business Hall of Fame. Namath was sad to announce Sunday that his restaurant, Joe’s Bar and Grill, will be shutting its doors permanently at the end of the month. Namath attributed this decision to the fact that he “was losing money faster than [he] can throw a football. Customers would walk in, flash a coupon, and walk out with a wad of cash.” Namath

Saints Linebacker Boba Fett Suspended for Involvement in Bounty System

April 3, 2012 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

NEW ORLEANS – The New Orleans Saints’ bounty system has resulted in several suspensions, and today another casualty was added to the tally as linebacker Boba Fett was banned indefinitely for his supposed involvement. Fett, a fourth year player from Tatooine Tech, allegedly delivered vicious hits in exchange for a monetary reward. “I trust that Boba Fett will not make such a mistake again,” warned NFL commissioner Darth Goodell. Goodell explained that the NFL reviewed game footage and found several

Rex Ryan Eats Words, Adds Salt and Butter

January 15, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

“I’ve tasted da feet…I mean, defeat, before…but this was a tough one to swallow,” the coach remarked. “They…I mean, it…left a pretty bitter taste in my mouth.”