Northwestern Falls to Bye Week
In a back and forth game that came down to the wire, Northwestern could not overcome the daunting opponent and lost to the bye week.
Tag Archives: Football
Area Pothead Disappointed to Learn Meaning of “Bowl-Eligible”
Sources confirmed that area pothead Sean Elvin, SESP ’19, was gravely disappointed to learn the real meaning of a “bowl-eligible” football team.
Wide Receiver Christian Jones all too Aware of Drop Deadline
“You can’t blame receivers for dropping classes,” said offensive coordinator Mick McCall. “We try the best we can to work with them on the fundamentals, but dropped classes are just part of the academic game.”
NFL Mascot Changes Make for Interesting Postseason
Sports analysts predict the New Orleans Naked People could potentially end up with the Vince Lombardi trophy this year.
Football Team Disappointed in Lack of Post-Game Chick-Fil-A
Senior captain Brandon Vitabile commented on the unfortunate situation. “I can’t believe it. To come all this way only to find out it was all for nothing.”
Northwestern Athlete Makes Invaluable Contribution to Discussion Section
“He gave such an outstanding insight into our topic that I immediately felt guilty about all of the times I devalued his academic worth.”
Notre Dame Changes Religious Affiliation to “Agnostic”
SOUTH BEND, IN — After a hard fought loss to the Northwestern Wildcats, the University of Notre Dame has decided to change its religious affiliation from Catholic to Agnostic. The first of its kind, Notre Dame’s newfound institutional agnosticism was predicated on the overwhelming sense of confusion, frustration, and spiritual suffering following the Fighting Irish’s Saturday evening loss. “After such a clear display of the lack of justice and righteousness on this earth, Notre Dame felt it was unconscionable to
NCAA Rejects Northwestern’s Request to Curve Football Scores
“I was hoping a curve would bring my pass completion rate up to at least like, an 80%,” said Trevor Siemian, Northwestern’s quarterback.
Football Team Inspires Spontaneous Wave of Nihilism
“Our team was literally supposed to be amazing now that we beat Wisconsin. I don’t think I can handle all this disappointment.”
OPINION: I Could Husk Corn at the Age of 3
When I was three years old, my Pa-Paw handed me a bucket of corn and told me to get to work. I’d never done this before, but three-year-old me picked it right up.