“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” admitted Anthony Fauci in a joint statement with FDA director Stephen Hahn. “We’re not proud to be using Juul’s playbook, but damn, if they didn’t have a move or two in there.”
After drawing lots, the starving group members were forced to kill and eat Samuel Crafice, Donner’s twenty-three–year-old coworker.
The FDA has attached an air of danger and rebellion to a product that makes its users look like they’re smoking a fucking kazoo.
The images will include pictures of people testing their blood sugar, undergoing open heart surgery, and close-ups of gelatinous rolls of fat. They will appear on foods like sodas, fast food, and everything sold at the Wisconsin State Fair.