Heartbreaking! Hot Guy in Your English Class Caught Pulling Down Mask Not Actually Hot
“Ladies, take him swimming on the first date so you can see what he looks like without a mask.”
Tag Archives: English
Op-Ed: No, Josh, I don’t have less friends because I’m a grammar geek…I have fewer friends
Josh, being a grammar geek doesn’t mean I have less friends. It means I have fewer friends.
Northwestern Student Literally the Worst at Using Hyperbole
EVANSTON – Northwestern English professor Jane Stevens claims that her student Ronald Gold is, “and I am not exaggerating, the worst there has been and will ever be at using hyperbole.” She adds, “since the dawn of time, there has been nobody more terrible at anything than this kid is at using embellishment as a literary device.” Fellow classmate William King agrees. “If I had to use an analogy to capture my sentiment, I would say his use of hyperbole
[Graduation Issue] English Senior Not Sure What to Do with Collection of Penguin Classics Books
“When I first signed up for British Literary Traditions back in freshmen year, I had to get copies of six novels, all published by Penguin,” recalled Lapinski. “When the quarter ended, I realized that these books are timeless classics and totally worth the space under my bed.”
Student Assigned Rhetorical Analysis of Paper Written While Drunk
EVANSTON – Northwestern English professor Shelby Anderson debuted a joint policy between the NU English Department and the Evanston Police Department last Thursday. Students who turn in essays they clearly wrote while intoxicated must now analyze their paper’s diction, syntax, structure, and tone in the context of their drinking. The first person to be affected by the policy is Weinberg sophomore Daniel O’Connor, the author of a “totally incoherent” paper on the short story “Araby” from James Joyce’s Dubliners. Anderson
Marlins Owners Disappointed to Learn People Can Understand What Ozzie Guillen is Saying
MIAMI, FL – Miami Marlins ownership was shocked this week to learn not only does Ozzie Guillen speak English, but that people can actually understand what he is saying. It was only after this already shocking revelation that Marlins Owner Jeffery Loria realized that Guillen praised one of the world’s worst dictators. “We specifically hired a manager who could speak the language of our players,” Loria said. “We did not realize he also spoke English.” “It’s pretty disappointing,” Loria added.
English Major Makes Bullshit-Free Comment