Amidst the chaos, and amidst the accession of new president Kyra Lesmerises, the club’s real seat of power–Flipside Vice President and chief eunuch Benjamin Auby–went largely unnoticed.
Raised on a steady diet of Curious George and hand-cut carrot sticks, Montessori reportedly decided to turn to the sweet relief of processed, chemical-laden sugary snacks as a management tactic for his election anxiety.
“Young people must take time to research candidates in order to make informed decisions at the polls. But I also have a chem midterm on Wednesday and know nothing.”
Casualty estimates have reached 100% for immigrants, 100% for blacks and Mexicans, and 99% for women.
“Everyone talks about Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers graduating from NU, but how are we supposed to know about Rahm Emanuel? I’m from here and I didn’t even know Chicago had a mayor,” said sophomore Johnny Howard.
EVANSTON — According to inside sources, ASG presidential candidates were disappointed that poor election day weather led to low voter turnout. Candidate Aaron Zelikovich has claimed that cold weather, accompanied by snow flurries, half-frozen rain, and “good ol’ fashioned Midwestern hail,” deterred many who would have otherwise gone out and voted for him. Similarly, political strategists for David Harris and Jo Lee were adamant that had the weather been better, voter turnout amongst seniors, who traditionally support candidates with their
ASG Candidate Campaigning on “More Recess, Less Homework” Platform