Student discovers they can just keep riding the L: “I don’t know where the hell I am going”
It’s still unclear to reporters whether this was his first train ride ever.
Tag Archives: Chicago
CTA Offers Northwestern Students Additional Opportunity to Ignore Chicago
“An additional evening Purple Express train would give Northwestern students a new chance to disregard access to the entertainment, leisure, and career possibilities awaiting them in the beautiful city of Chicago.”
Here’s How We Fix Northwestern Football, Part One: Ryan Field
Ryan Field’s location doesn’t make a lick of sense. What the hell, guys!?! We say we’re Chicago’s Big Ten team, and then we put our games in fucking Evanston. Huh?
Kanye West to Recruit Interns through Chicago Field Studies
West outlined the positions he was looking to fill in a long series of tweets. “I need interns to drive my Benzes around, even when I am not in them… I need interns to act as food testers… I need interns to feed me grapes while I listen to my own albums…”
Derrick Rose Announces Retirement, Will Join Giordano’s Marketing Team as Pizza Model
CHICAGO — Thousands of Chicago Bulls fans rushed to the United Center today to hear Derrick Rose’s press conference, at which Rose stunned fans when he proclaimed, “I’m taking my talents to Giordano’s.” Rose declared that he would not be participate in the 2013-2014 NBA season. Instead, he will devote his time to pizza modeling. Rose is famous for his Giordano’s marketing campaign, a product that has been largely responsible for Chicago’s rampant obesity problem. “I love playing basketball, and
Class of 2017 Excited to “Hang Out at the Lakefill and Eat Frontera”
THE INTERNET — The Northwestern University Class of 2017 Facebook group saw a three-hundred percent increase in activity this past week when soul-searching accepted student Alyssa Gianonne asked the deep and philosophical question preoccupying every early-decision applicant’s mind: “So what’s everyone, like, MOST excited for next year?” Gianonne commented on her own post thirty seconds later explaining that marching through the historic campus arch, erected in 1993, is something that she predicts will be life changing. Within minutes, Gianonne’s post
Freshman Still Believes She Will Visit Chicago Sometime
EVANSTON – McCormick Freshman Casey Chad said Monday that she still believes that she will spend a significant amount of time in downtown Chicago at some point this year. “During fall quarter I just had to get acquainted with Northwestern and make friends who will come to the city with me,” Chad explained. “Next quarter I’m going to go to the city for sure! Well, maybe not winter quarter, actually, because it’ll be cold. It gets really cold in Chicago,
Freshman Participates in Dance Marathon, Gives Up After Two Miles
CHICAGO – Clarence MacMillan, a member of the class of 2015, tried to complete last week’s Chicago marathon while dancing. The Weinberg freshman was seen fist-bumping and electric-sliding his way through the first two miles before a fellow contestant explained about what a complete asshole he looked like. “Everyone on Facebook was talking about signing up for Dance Marathon, I thought I would give it a shot,” he said. “They mentioned something about thirty hours, and like, come on bro,
Cubs Sign Epstein, Fans Fear Success
CHICAGO – The Chicago Cubs recently announced the signing of ex-Red-Sox general manager Theo Epstein to a 5 year-$20 million contract, making him one of the highest paid non-players on the Cubs directly behind Carlos Zambrano, Alfonso Soriano, and Ryan Dempster. Epstein, who is just coming off the most unproductive month of his career with the Red Sox, is expected to fit in flawlessly with the overpaid, underperforming style of play the Cubs have perfected over the years. “We are
New York Marathon Longer than Chicago Marathon, Says New Yorker
Other New Yorkers complained about the modest times most Midwesterners ran. Several felt they received way too much elbow room and that it was uncomfortable to have people actually looking in their direction.