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Tag Archives: Blagojevich

I Still Can’t Believe You Never Found Those Emails

May 18, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

By Richard M. Daley, Former Mayor of Chicago First, I need to thank the journalists. Your utter complacency and lack of fortitude has allowed me to complete my 22-year tenure without a single earth-shattering revelation of absolute corruption or depravity that could have marred this otherwise immaculate career. I mean, fuck, people! This is Illinois! This is Chicago! I bought out the last honest politician twenty years ago! Yeah, that’s right, I’ve been skimming funds since day one, but you’re

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Blagojevich Advises Paterson On How To Cash In On Publicity

March 3, 2010 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

Evanston, IL- Prompted by the recent success of Illinois ex-governor Rod Blagojevich’s talk about ethics at Northwestern University, New York governor David Paterson has decided to host a seminar about the importance of vision in government. Former governor Blagojevich takes credit for helping Paterson to see the light. “I just told him about how well my ethics seminar went. I also talked about how despite contrary advice from my lawyers, I appeared on The Apprentice and I’m a Celebrity, Get

Blagojevich Sells Olympics to Rio

October 4, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

COPENHAGEN—Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced today that Chicago’s fourth-place finish in the 2016 Olympic selection process was actually a preconceived scheme to sell the Olympics to the highest bidder. “I’ve got these Olympics, and they’re fucking golden,” explained Blagojevich. “Almost as golden as a vacant senate seat…or my haircut.” Blagojevich went on to explain his reasoning behind the seemingly ingenious plan. “Chicago sports fans are used to waiting for things,” said the ex-governor. “I mean, look at the Cubs.

Blagojevich’s Barber Resigns

July 2, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

Blagojevich Sells NU Kicker’s Foot to Mizzou

January 2, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Northwestern’s loss to Missouri in the Alamo Bowl has brought about criticism of the team’s kicker. After failing to kick a field goal and extra point, Mizzou was able to bring the game to overtime. Northwestern failed to match Mizzou’s touchdown, which gave NU its sixth straight bowl loss. There are some, however, who are not willing to blame only the NU kicker. Several Illinois politicians have accused Governor Rod Blagojevich of influencing Northwestern’s loss. Illinois State Representative