ASG Elections Kidnapping Plot Foiled
“The race for padding resumĂ©s with bullshit positions has never been more intense,” said Neil Mantle, Allison’s Area Coordinator. “We were afraid something like this might happen eventually.”
Tag Archives: Beer
Editorial from a Prospie: âYou Guys, I Totally Drinkâ
Hey guys! Sorry, Iâm little hungover from the two handles of beer I had last night. I mean, that doesnât even compare to the time my mom bought me vodka. I had three shots! Shit got so crazy, I canât even tell you. (Except Iâm going to tell you.) So me and my bros were just chilling when my ârents were out to dinner, and we were getting kind of bored so I was like, “Yo, bros, letâs get schwasty.”
[NU Spork] Five Helpful Tips for Dorm-Brewing
Got your fake ID stolen? Can’t get your upperclassmen friends to score a handle of Skol for you? Not a fan of the mouthwash taste? You won’t have to deal with these bummers if you make your own fun juice! Making your own booze in your tiny room at Plex can sound like a daunting challenge but it’s also very rewarding. Just follow these simple suggestions and you’ll be on your way to tipsyville by the end of the school
Creepy Senior Upset No More High School Girls at Dillo Day
EVANSTON â McCormick senior Joshua Manley said Thursday that he was âreally bummedâ that high school students would no longer be allowed to attend Dillo Day. âI totally liked checking out those hot 17-year-olds every year. Iâd give them a beer or seven and boy was Dillo Day the best day ever.â Manleyâs best friend Aaron Jacobson felt similarly. âLike, why should I even bother coming to Dillo Day anymore? I can get drunk anywhere, any time. I can see
Big Oil Launches New Ad Campaign: “Keystone, You’re Soooo Crude!”
Evanston Vampires Pretty Damn Tired of Spending All Their Time at Burger King
EVANSTONâIf you ask any member of the Evanston vampire community, youâll find they have something thatâs been bothering them: they are getting pretty goddamn tired of spending all their time at Burger King. According to one such vampire, Count Wilhelm Von Terror, the Evanston undead scene lacks nearly all the amenities found in nearly all other cities. âBasically, you have two types of vampire hotspots around the world. There are your old vampire communities like Transylvania, where you spend most
Alcoholic Turns Down Free Natty Light
EVANSTONâIn a shocking move last Thursday morning, Joe âNo Liverâ Guggenheim, a local convenience store night-shift manager and alcoholic, turned down an offer of a free case of Natty Light. The offer came when the brothers of Tappa Tappa Keg realized that they bought more beer than they could fit in their car. The fraternity was stocking up for a big weekend bash to celebrate the coming of a full moon. Upon seeing Mr. Guggenheim drunkenly stumbling down the street
Half of Astronaut’s Salary Goes to Beer for the Trip Up
CAPE CANAVERAL, FLâAtlantisâ astronauts grabbed hold of the Hubble Space Telescope at the end of last week, quickly setting their sights on the unprecedented spacewalking repairs they will attempt over the next couple of days. âItâs going to be tough,â explained head astronaut, Jim Bernstein. âMy hands are shaking just thinking about it. One wrong move and we could float off into space.â The Atlantis astronauts tried to keep cool on the way up as a way to cope with