I was heartbroken when we were robbed from a chance at a bowl game (I thought being such a big contender in the Big 10 would at least get us SOMETHING) but at least we won the Land of Lincoln trophy!
Tears were shed as the hero of the day approached the microphone for a speech. Patricia Telles-Irvin was spotted comforting Pat Fitzgerald, softly purring, “There, there. Who needs the Big Ten? You got Maine and that was good!”
“Yeah, I can’t say we really understand it,” said Northwestern Men’s basketball head coach Chris Collins, referring to the sudden arrival of the player of his dreams, not the devastating meteorological phenomena currently wracking the globe. “We’re just thrilled to have him.”
WAUKESHA, WI — Jordan Stralisky was surprised to learn during Wildcat Days that the city of Chicago is visible from the Northwestern Campus. “We drove like three hours to get from Waukesha to Northwestern, and on the tour we saw downtown Chicago from just outside Norris. I had no idea you could see Chicago from Northwest Illinois!” Stralisky said. “I have family in Dubuque, so it’ll be great to be just a short drive from the Iowa border in case
EVANSTON — Everyone at Chris Collins’ press conference was waiting to ask the obvious question: what will he do to improve NU basketball’s CTECs? Coach Bill Carmody, who was fired after thirteen years of employment, saw the reported amount of time in practice drop dramatically on his CTECs, as well as low ratings for stimulating interest in the subject and overall rating of the instruction. For years, players have had plenty of time to fill out their basketball CTECs, since
Their first football home game will not be when the seasons is already one third of the way through, they won’t get lost in tech, and they won’t discover that Edzo’s truffle fries are even greater than getting laid.
LOS ANGELES – While on an archaeological dig in Turkey, Kobe Bryant discovered the key to David Stern’s chastity belt. “Now that we have this key at our disposal, the lockout seems like a joke,” said Los Angeles Laker Derek Fisher. “All we have to do now is find Stern’s keyhole, and we can mount better negotiations.” Stern is still standing firmly erect with the owners on the lockout issue as of now. “Look, I understand Mr. Bryant has discovered