Alcohol | Northwestern Flipside

Tag Archives: Alcohol

Northwestern Student Not Invited To Enough Parties To Have Drinking Problem

February 10, 2019 Alessandra Hernández Leave a comment

Surveys conducted by HPaW reveal that a shocking 31% of Northwestern students have a dangerously low blood alcohol content which coincides with a precipitous decline in the population’s party invites. The social capital of students with functioning livers is apparently critically low. “It’s a self-perpetuating cycle,” Mason Wincheski, Weinberg junior, sighs as he wipes a small paper cut with a disinfectant wipe in the desperate hope to get alcohol into his system. “Everyone knows anyone worth anything has an unhealthy

Wildside to offer fifths of vodka to help boost attendance at sporting events

December 3, 2018 M.A. Galloway Leave a comment

Forget free t-shirts and food, the Northwestern Wildside is ready to get you shmacked. Desperate to increase student attendance at sporting events, the Wildside advertised free fifths of vodka to the first 100 students who showed up to the women’s basketball game on Thursday. “What our student body lacks in school spirit, it makes up for in alcoholism,” said Wildside president Lindsey Carlson. Initially, the Wildside was worried that students would leave when they started handing out fifths of rum

Student Uncertain About Halloweekend Dates Drinks for Two Weeks Straight 

November 2, 2018 Lindsey Steeg Leave a comment

Costumes reportedly included timeless classics such as a slutty devil, slutty cat, and slutty alien, but also included throwback outfits like slutty ‘80s workout instructor and topical statements such as a slutty absentee ballot.

Freshman Wakes Up as UChicago Transfer After Mixing Antibiotics and Tequila

December 13, 2017 Carolina Alvarez Leave a comment

“I think I blacked out somewhere around my sixth Tequila Sunrise, and by the time I whited back in, I was sitting in a classroom inside this really gothic-looking building. All the students around me looked dead inside. I later found out I was in a Particle Physics class at UChicago.”

Area Mono Virus Hooks Up with Drunken Bloodstream

November 10, 2017 Michael Miller Leave a comment

“As soon as enough ethanol started flowing between the platelets and macrophages, I figured it was only a matter of time before the two of them started swapping molecules.”