Op-ed: I Should be Allowed to Kill People
Kinda got me thinking: “What if he just wasn’t alive anymore?”
Category Archives: Year 17
Op-Ed: Sorry That You’re a Former Gifted Child. I’m Still Gifted and Now Also Beautiful.
The difference is for me it’s still true, and I’m extremely popular and good-looking as well.
Confused Frat Boy High Fives Girl After She Confesses She Has an IUD; “Right on dude I have two of them”
Ms. Penleggs reported a noticeable shift in the man’s face. He “finally stopped looking at my tits and looked me in the eyes for once,” then immediately dapped her up, proudly confessing, “oh hell yeah dude I got two of those myself.”
Ask Flippy: How do I quietly warn tour-going High School students what they’re getting into?
Dear Flippington, If you haven’t noticed, it’s that time of year again. All the high schoolers are lining up like lambs to the slaughter to visit our wonderful campus. But they don’t know the horrors. Those guides won’t tell them about the last-minute dining hall crowds at 7, they won’t tell them about the religious zealots on Sheridan that try to trick you into giving them your soul through free coffee, and they sure as hell won’t tell them that
Op-Ed: Running over someone with a car is okay if you cross your toes while pushing the gas pedal
I don’t condone violence. I don’t condone breaking traffic rules. But I do condone following honor codes typically used by children.
From The Archives: dirt for plants. sky for birds. stone for tools. all for one thing. but why penis used for 2 things
I man in cave old times each day go get meat for family drink water and sleep at night. Some day think of world and wonder. Man think a lot in time. Look at ground. Dirt for plants. Look at sky. See only birds. Stone useless. Unless for tools. Everything used one think only. Makes sense to man. One to one. But man confused. Man look down. Why penis used for two things.
Ask Flippy: How does Santa get into the residence halls if there’s no chimney?
I’m a little concerned – how does Santa Claus get into the dorms if they don’t have chimneys?
Heroism: Local Woman Explains Manifesting to Homeless Person
After driving five minutes from her Evanston home to Target, 26-year-old Rebecca White noticed what seemed to be an unhoused neighbor standing by the door. The woman then told the man that she could alleviate his suffering through one simple process: manifestation. “I normally would have just walked by, but today I heard one more voice than usual inside my head and it told me to talk to this unhoused man, that it could change his life,” she said. “So
I think I’m going to eat a squirrel. They’re looking sumptuous.
It flashes before my eyes. A streak of gray, a small chittering sound, and a set of wide eyes entice me. My mouth waters, soaks in anticipation. I must eat. The hunger consumes me, ravages my body. I am as ravenous as a skeleton waiting for its next indigestible meal. I lock eyes with the creature, my prey. It chomps on its acorn, daring me to bite. Oh squirrel, I must devour you! The sumptuous squirrels on this campus are
Kamala Harris Launches New Podcast: “Call Her Mamala”
In response, Trump has also launched his own podcast: “Call Me God.”