Category Archives: Year 17

Trump Appoints Young Sheldon as Head of Homeland Security

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Since November 5th, the president-elect has made several controversial picks for top positions, including Elon Musk heading the so-called “Department of Government Efficiency” (DOGE). However, even many in Trump’s inner circle have objected to his latest and boldest choice: a literal fourteen-year-old child as Secretary of Homeland Security. Sheldon Lee Cooper, of Medford, Texas, turned down a Ph.D. in physics at Caltech to join the incoming administration, saying that “the decision was a no-brainer after Meemaw took me to visit

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Headline, Latest News, Nation, No. 396, Politics, World

That Gelatinous Cranberry Sauce Is Ribbed For HIS Pleasure

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It’s not just that he doesn’t care, it’s that he can’t care. How can he be thinking about whatever you two are this Thanksgiving when we all know that come turkey time, there’s only one thing on a guys mind – getting to feel every rib, bump, lump, jiggle and wiggle of that mysteriously gelatinous cranberry sauce with sensory spots he didn’t even know existed.

Read more Featured, Latest News, No. 396, Year 17

Op-Ed: I think we should bring back the guillotine

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Wood frame, metal blade, disgruntled French hangman. Back in the days of the French Revolution, these were the three things you needed to kill someone, all compiled into one machine: the guillotine. But the extinction of the guillotine isn’t just about the advancement of weaponry; it is clearly indicative of a more serious problem in society: people these days don’t support blue-collar jobs, and so we need to bring back the guillotine. In the time of the guillotine, killing someone

Read more Featured, Latest News, No. 396, Opinion, Year 17

“Am I Gay,” “Am I Autistic,” And Other Quizzes You Know the Answer to Before You Take Them

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There’s no shame in being curious. It’s okay to need the internet to affirm that you enjoyed kissing your best friend “as an epic prank.” Chances are, you use random strangers or factually unfounded quizzes to answer some other questions. For example, maybe you’re not sure if an unhealthy obsession with dino nuggets and Victorian children makes you autistic. Perhaps it does. Best to check

Read more Featured, Latest News, No. 395, Year 17

Trump Creates New “BOOM Department” For Bombing His Enemies, Appoints AJ & Big Justice As Secretaries

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While some may have missed the announcement in between Trump’s creation of an “Efficiency Commission” and appointment of a sex criminal to lead the government’s law enforcement agency, the president-elect notably created a “BOOM Department” for bombing his enemies and named AJ & Big Justice as its foremen. Trump originally met AJ & Big Justice while he was working the McDonald’s drive thru. The father-son pair ordered everything on the menu for one of their viral videos and proceeded to

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Latest News, Nation, No. 395, Politics, World, Year 17

From the Archives: “Goo Goo Ga Ga,” Says Barack Obama, 1

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We aren’t sure why, but we sat down with an infant by the name of Barack Hussein Obama II to talk all things economics, healthcare, and political reform. You know, of course, that international political demagogues and malefactors are intent on condemning the United States government’s attempts to establish liberty and democracy abroad as “imperialist.” Within the confines of your philosophy, how do you think we should best approach diplomatic relations with foreign nations whose ethical principles conflict with American

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Latest News, Nation, No. 393, Politics, Year 17
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