Op-Ed: Watch Me Eat This Man
The man was happy. I am going to eat this man.
Category Archives: Year 16
Op-Ed: Why I’m Basically Carmen “Carmy ‘Bear'” Berzatto Except With None of the Cooking Talent and All of the Kitchen Fires
When I first watched FX’s The Bear for the first time, I saw myself in the lead, Carmen “Carmy ‘Bear’” Berzatto”, except with none of the cooking talent, but all of the kitchen fires. When Carmen talked about his experiences setting kitchens on fire, I knew that the show’s creator, Christopher Storer, was writing this show for me. The first time I ever cooked something on the stove-top, they had to rebuild half of my house. The second time I ever cooked
As Winter Approaches, Republicans Go Feral, Licking Their Lips And Frothing At The Mouth, Ready To Say “Merry Christmas” Instead Of “Happy Holidays”
Most people venture to Target to buy holiday decorations or an artificial tree. But for Ted Cruz, he goes there to destroy all the “Happy Holiday” mugs.
Op-Ed (Turducken Perspective): Turducken Erasure Narratives Are Dangerous to Three-Fowl-Blends Like Me, And Here’s Why
As a turducken from birth, though, I need the world to understand that we are here. We exist. We deserve to be heard.
GTA 6 Will Feature Politically-Correct Strippers
After building a foundation of communication free of gaslighting, you and your escort (who requires payment greater than quadruple the federal minimum wage of $7.25 an hour) can finally get down and dirty.
Inclusivity Win! To Welcome in the Holiday Season, Michael Schill Googles Kwanzaa
Now that your roommate has finally returned home from his Halloweekend bender at U of I, it’s time to get ready for the holidays. Reports say that Northwestern’s administration is well-aware of the impending season and is “itching to finally get some good press for the first time since we filled in that lake.” Exclusive reports from within the offices of the Michael Schill, famed cheese lover and pet sniffer, indicate that the institution would like to expand the festivities
Man Revolutionizes High-Five Game By Going Too Slow First
On November 8th, 2023, the world shook as a fundamental rule was broken. Children cried, priests prayed, and citizens everywhere trembled in the face of potential ruin…
Democracy Going Strong: Hammurabi’s Code Voted To Replace The Constitution
Finally, a system that’s genuinely for the people.
Area Horse Girl Purposely Misses First Three Shots In P-I-G, Demands We Play H-O-R-S-E Instead
Okay there we were, St. Incitatus Elementary. Sarah’s got the ball. Right under the hoop, granny stance set. It’s gotta be the easiest shot of her life, and she has three chances. P-I-G. That’s the name – er letters of the game. Invented by John Scarne in 1945, PIG has been a hallmark of PE fun ever since. Oddly enough, history purports Scarne and his gang of troubled youth would play the game with dice. That doesn’t make sense. We
Health Center Drops New Fun Fall Condom Flavors
You can really taste the layers. The coolness of the ice cream, the depth of the dough, and the crunch of the apple incites feelings — sexual ones.