Hong Kongers Acclimating To Democratic Changes, Reportedly “Can’t Complain” About Chinese Rule
“I suppose I canât say anythingâs wrong…no, I literally canât say anythingâs wrong.â
Category Archives: Year 12
New Study Finds Cocaine Excellent Replacement For Eating, Sleeping, Blinking, etc.
Americans rejoiced last week as new study conducted by Harvard University concluded that cocaine served as an excellent alternative to mundane bodily tasks such as eating, sleeping, blinking, breathing, and having a pulse. âAfter we blew through all of the university grant money on low quality blow, we figured we should probably write some of it downâ said Isaac Conklin, head researcher on the project. âOur intern Carl was more than happy to let us pump a near-lethal amount of
Following Lead of âAvoiding Glutenâ Station, Allisonâs Kosher Station Rebrands to âAvoiding Sinâ
President Morton Shapiro, after consulting the University Board, released in a tweet that by 2020, Northwestern will be officially renamed âAvoiding UChicago.â
Searle Doctor Declares Dead Body âFineâ after Strep Test Comes Back Negative
âHer body may be slowly eroding, but thatâs a-okay, because she definitely doesnât have Strep!â said Dr. Lou.
NU Student Dresses Up As Politician Dressed Up In Blackface
âHunterâs political commentary on Justin Trudeau circa 2001 may have offended some of our peers,â stated Smithâs roommate Brock Brunson, âbut how is he supposed to be held accountable for his actions AND have a wild Halloweekend?!â
Dorm Room Party Just Six Guys Playing A âBop-Itâ
âI think I misunderstood when he told me it was âgonna be a bop,ââ said Mendoza, âthey were all really into it too. When I tried to leave, one guy put his hand on my chest and told me âdonât stop the bop.â”
Whole Foods Announces New Margarine Substitute: âI Canât Believe Itâs Not âI Canât Believe Itâs Not Butterââ
âFirst margarine and now this? I didnât serve two years in the military, get dishonorably discharged, and move back in with my parents just for someone to confuse me with a quadruple negative!â
Op Ed: If Improv is About Saying âYesâ Then Why Did Every Group Say âNoâ to Me?
As any new Northwestern student who googles âwhat is improvâ five minutes before their audition knows, the only rule to the Chicago-founded comedic art form is saying âyes.â But if thatâs the case, then why did every improv group on campus say ânoâ to me? Iâm talking Titanic, Mee-Ow, ODB, The Bix, even the Panini Players. They all said âno.” I didnât even get a single callback. I say theyâre a bunch of hypocrites. If they were really committed to the
A Look Back: 15 Years Later, Poop Still Funny
“Fifteen years later, Dr. Parks has officially earned his doctorate in scatology, or in laymanâs terms, the study of poop.”
8th Generation Northwestern Legacy Student Just Spits on Application to Get In
With early decision deadlines looming, Jacob Weinberg Schapiro Ryan Fieldhouse McWilliecat VII, an 8th generation legacy, simply spat on his Northwestern University application, causing him to be accepted immediately. Admissions officers were amazed, calling McWilliecatâs application âoriginalâ, âhighly personalâ, and âphlegmyâ. âYou really canât get more unique than Jacobâs application,â said Leah Gascoigne, head of admissions. âHere we were, holding a physical part of Jacob. We really got a good idea of who he was, and immediately admitted him; even