All copies of those volumes too patriarchal to edit will be ceremoniously burned on the Lakefill every Thursday night between now and 2025, along with multiple bras and Josh from the Earth Science department who has manspread on the âLâ one too many times.
It seems you have a quarter of minimal eye contact and awkward glances to look forward to.
Thousands of students convened on the Lakefill Friday night for President Morton Schapiroâs much-anticipated mystery announcement. Said Schapiro: âAfter considering our budget allocations, we realized that we werenât putting enough towards our studentsâ mental health. Thatâs why weâre encouraging students to clear their heads with walk along the beautiful Lake Michigan; which will now be a nature-filled forty-three mile stretch. Go âCats!â Clamorous applause and cheering erupted instantly the moment Schapiro yanked the curtain off his scale model of âLakefill
Gibbonsâ unfortunate sex-ring escapade is just one of many kooky accidents that befall directionally-challenged first-years.
Northwestern Students across campus seem to agree that while the punishment is harsh, itâs the only way to get the basketball team to stop losing.
Area freshman Hugo Baxter officially hit rock bottom Thursday morning after he opened his email only to find a formal letter of rejection for a summer internship position at wildly mediocre childrenâs entertainment center and restaurant, Chuck E. Cheese. Sources close to Baxter have shared that the Chuck E. Cheese gig was the last hurrah for the McCormick student, after a devastating fall quarter of rejections from all of Baxterâs dream positions at literally every single reputable firm under the
âMaking Northwestern a safe place for incredibly rich shitheads is more or less part of our mission statement,â Schapiro said.
Teaching Assistant Jeremy Walter could have sworn his discussion section had more students the week before. âI felt like last Thursday, the kids were fighting over the front row,â said Walter. âNow thereâs only one row. Did I hallucinate all those other students?â Walter reasons with himself that perhaps he was more focused on his âkiller slidesâ last week than on the crowd of students, and so his perception of the room may be distorted. âI was showing some videos
Trumpâs speech has been widely regarded as a shining example of political decency and civility. Many are also applauding his masterful turn of phrase and elegant use of language in his speech.
Reports are filing in from multiple student sources that Halloween and the widely observed âHump Dayâ are on course for a climactic and messy collision, leaving many to speculate if candy will be the only thing spread out on the living room floor this holiday season. âThis Hump Day I can just be myself and pretend itâs some sort of costume.â, said an anonymous Weinberg freshman. âAnd maybe Iâll finally be able to get more than just candy in the