Top 5 AP Classes the Liberal Education System Will Inseminate You With
Ron DeSantis plans to order the Florida National Guard to send everyone who receives a 5 to his personal gulag.
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BREAKING: RFK Jr. Admits to Starting Hurricane Milton; “Yea Katrina was me too haha”
In a shocking turn of events this past weekend, RFK Jr., has admitted to being the starting force behind Hurricane Milton.
Area Horse Girl Purposely Misses First Three Shots In P-I-G, Demands We Play H-O-R-S-E Instead
Okay there we were, St. Incitatus Elementary. Sarah’s got the ball. Right under the hoop, granny stance set. It’s gotta be the easiest shot of her life, and she has three chances. P-I-G. That’s the name – er letters of the game. Invented by John Scarne in 1945, PIG has been a hallmark of PE fun ever since. Oddly enough, history purports Scarne and his gang of troubled youth would play the game with dice. That doesn’t make sense. We
New York High Schoolers Compete to Date DiCaprio: “We Need Someone to Buy Us Beer”
“We needed someone to buy us beer,” said Josie Cuervo, a junior. at Stuyvesant High School. “Then my friends and I heard Leo DiCaprio was sniffing around for younger women to date. Seemed to me like this might be the beginning of a beautiful partnership.”
NU Football Coach Forces Players to Attend Basketball Game to “See What Being Cheered for Looks Like”
According to Northwestern’s football coach, this torture was deliberate. During the off-season, he has turned to emotional tactics to try and get the Northwestern football team out of their slump.
Trojan Releases New Aphrodisiac: “You’re Both the Same Age in an Airport”
This November, prepare your minds and loins for Trojan Airport: the only aphrodisiac that simulates the untapped sexual desire of seeing a person the same age as you at an airport.
Soulja Boy puts Flipside-Sherman Ave feud to rest: “Fuck these fools! I was the first rapper to make a biting satirical news publication that not only takes aim at the absurdity of elite academic institutional life but also provides commentary on global events from a uniquely collegiate perspective!”
Big Draco stopped short of requesting a 5% cut of club funding, noting the Associated Student Government mandated budgets for each publication.
A&O Blowout Reveals Featured Artist to be a Framed Picture of Jacob Collier
Collier, known for his intricate harmonic arrangements and the ability to bore nearly anyone’s date, will be traveling all the way from the color printer in Norris to Welsh-Ryan Arena to perform at Blowout this year.
Op-Ed: (Sneaker Head Perspective) “Why Would I Wear a Condom? That Would Crease it!”
3 hours later she pulls up in her ‘11 Ford Focus RS and parks behind my mom’s Sienna. I let her in, and we sit down on the OFF-WHITE x IKEA couch. I’m playin bass stems off Donda 2 from my Kanye West Stem Player; just straight up babymakin music to get my girl HARD.
Local Date Says His Favorite Movie Is The Zapruder film
“He literally said his favorite movie was the Zapruder film! I had no idea what that was, so I excused myself to head to the bathroom to Google it and dipped as soon as I found out what it was. What a freak!”