Payphone in Norris About to Activate Sleeper Agent
Every single person in Norris today is blissfully ignorant of what they, and all humanity, will soon experience.
Category Archives: Headline
NU Campus Tours to Eliminate Backwards Talking
“In our office, we always strive to make our tours inclusive, and today, that means including all those prospective students and their families that only understand forward-spoken English.”
“This One’s for You Grandma” Says Grandson Snorting Line off Coffin
“This one’s for you grandma!” Blake yelled tearfully, emptying the contents of a dime-bag onto the polished teak and ripping a fat line off of his grandmother’s final resting place.
Male Student at C-Store Wonders What Kind of Potato Chip “Tampax” Is
“They usually stock all the chips on the other side of the store, but for some reason these Tampax chips are over here with all the cough medicine.”
Hair in Communal Shower Drain Becomes Sentient, Terrorizes Students
Later that night, students began to report sightings of a “giant, writhing, spider-like creature” near the Bobb recreation room.
Kinky Couple Role-Plays Being in Love
“Fucking has always been the foundation of our relationship, and no amount of love we have can ever change that.”
Air-Drying Freshman Maybe A Little Too Confident
“Towels are just so constricting, you know?” Stevens told the Flipside while sitting naked in a lounge.
Study Confirms That, Despite Wanting to, Gays Cannot Create Hurricanes
“It’s not like we haven’t tried,” said Ainsley.
Evanston Resident Appalled to Learn He Lives Near College Students
“I’m actually kind of relieved. I thought he was angry at me because I’m black,” Howard said.
“They Must Have Midterms,” Cries Club Leader Alone at Meeting
At 9 p.m. last night, chess club president Jonny Kaplan, MEAS ’18, found the room he’d reserved in Kresge completely empty, burst into tears and cried out “They must have midterms!”