World Cup Postponed After Ball Rolls Into Old Man Jenkins’ Yard
“No way I’m going over there,” Silva told reporters. “Old Man Jenkins is scary. He kills boys that sneak into his yard and cooks them into a stew.”
Category Archives: Headline
Big Al’s Guns and Lemonade Raises Minimum Gun Buying Age to 14
In light of recent events and the current political climate, Southern landmark, Big Al’s Guns and Lemonade, has announced a controversial decision to ban the sale of all firearms to all people younger than 14. Viewed by some critics as bending to political pressure, Big Al himself announced that lemonade sales will still be unrestricted despite the new firearms policy. “I find this here new regulation to be classic liberal bullshit propaganda,” stated Chuck Horowitz, a 14-year-old high school freshman.
Stats Major Argues Gambling Problem Not Statistically Significant
“He just kept saying ‘the p-value is above 5%, we just don’t have enough evidence to reject the null.’”
Commencement Speaker Replaced with Old Man Telling Each Graduate the Date of Their Death
The man will forego the typical commencement address to the graduating class in favor of walking silently amongst the rows of sitting students, placing a pale, scarred hand on the forehead of those he selects.
Payphone in Norris About to Activate Sleeper Agent
Every single person in Norris today is blissfully ignorant of what they, and all humanity, will soon experience.
NU Campus Tours to Eliminate Backwards Talking
“In our office, we always strive to make our tours inclusive, and today, that means including all those prospective students and their families that only understand forward-spoken English.”
“This One’s for You Grandma” Says Grandson Snorting Line off Coffin
“This one’s for you grandma!” Blake yelled tearfully, emptying the contents of a dime-bag onto the polished teak and ripping a fat line off of his grandmother’s final resting place.
Male Student at C-Store Wonders What Kind of Potato Chip “Tampax” Is
“They usually stock all the chips on the other side of the store, but for some reason these Tampax chips are over here with all the cough medicine.”
Hair in Communal Shower Drain Becomes Sentient, Terrorizes Students
Later that night, students began to report sightings of a “giant, writhing, spider-like creature” near the Bobb recreation room.
Kinky Couple Role-Plays Being in Love
“Fucking has always been the foundation of our relationship, and no amount of love we have can ever change that.”