Category Archives: Headline

Trump Appoints Young Sheldon as Head of Homeland Security

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Since November 5th, the president-elect has made several controversial picks for top positions, including Elon Musk heading the so-called “Department of Government Efficiency” (DOGE). However, even many in Trump’s inner circle have objected to his latest and boldest choice: a literal fourteen-year-old child as Secretary of Homeland Security. Sheldon Lee Cooper, of Medford, Texas, turned down a Ph.D. in physics at Caltech to join the incoming administration, saying that “the decision was a no-brainer after Meemaw took me to visit

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Headline, Latest News, Nation, No. 396, Politics, World

The ScrubFamily is Pregnant!

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The ScrubDaddy is the greatest thing to grace this Earth since the SquattyPotty which is the greatest thing since air conditioning. When God created Daddy, soap squirted and bubbles blew. That was long ago, but more recently, ScrubDaddy found his Eve. ScrubMommy is a straight-up hottie. Pretty and usually pink. When she’s not, that’s okay; all colors are welcome. She has Daddy’s original scrubber, but also a sponge side because women are the modded version of men. She’s dual-sided because

Read more Articles, Featured, Headline, Infographic, Latest News, No. 389, Year 17

Op-Ed: I Feel Like the Google Logo Gives Good Head

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One word. Six letters. You probably glance at them every single day before you look up whatever depraved topic is on your mind—but do you really SEE them?? I do. I see them. I see the greatness of the Google logo, and its potential for continued greatness, specifically in the line of work that is oral pleasure. Firstly, listen to the name itself. Google. Such a pleasant repetition of sounds in a unique combination. It’s a treat to roll the

Read more Featured, Headline, Latest News, No. 383, Opinion, Politics, Religion, Sci/Tech, Year 16

Area Horse Girl Purposely Misses First Three Shots In P-I-G, Demands We Play H-O-R-S-E Instead

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Okay there we were, St. Incitatus Elementary. Sarah’s got the ball. Right under the hoop, granny stance set. It’s gotta be the easiest shot of her life, and she has three chances. P-I-G. That’s the name – er letters of the game. Invented by John Scarne in 1945, PIG has been a hallmark of PE fun ever since. Oddly enough, history purports Scarne and his gang of troubled youth would play the game with dice. That doesn’t make sense. We

Read more Featured, Headline, Latest News, No. 378, Politics, Sports, Uncategorized, Year 16

CBS Execs Confirm R-Rated “Young Sheldon’s Big Bang” Coming March 2024

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Despite the ongoing SAG-AFTRA strike, CBS executives have announced that “Young Sheldon” star Iain Armitage will appear in an R-rated spinoff movie, “Young Sheldon’s Big Bang”, in March 2024. The movie will feature Armitage as an eighth-year super senior rushing a frat, boofing a keg, and subsequently finding the love of his life in the cancer ward of a hospital. CBS Chief Marketing Officer, Watchmi Mouvi, explained the network’s thought process behind the movie. “You know, when it comes down

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Headline, Latest News, No. 372, Politics, Year 16

Op-Ed: As a 30-Year Old Man Who Lives in His Parents’ Basement, Parasite Really Spoke to Me

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I’ve read other film critics reviews spouting out nonsense about how the movie was a masterful display of how capitalism pits societal classes against each other, but I don’t believe this was really the major point of the film. I understood Bong Joon-ho’s message that middle-aged people who live in their parents’ basement should get the same respect as everyone else.

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Headline, No. 299, Opinion
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