Category Archives: World

Despicable Me 4 Trailer Reveals Minions Led The January 6 Attack

This past Sunday, Universal Pictures released the trailer for Despicable Me 4, revealing not only the studio’s plan of milking this franchise until its teats fall off, but also the minions’ participation in the January 6 attack on the US Capitol. Recovered security tapes shows the small tic-tac-shaped insurrectionists using their overwhelming numbers to create a living ladder to scale the Capitol’s outer fences and swarm security personnel. There is also footage of the minions replacing historical artwork with humorless

Diplomatic Agreement Reached: Piece of King Charles’ Enlarged Prostate to be Displayed in Egyptian Museum

As King Charles sat on his secondary throne staring at his massive dick, he thought to himself, “Oi mate, those jolly blokes near the pyramids deserve a wank of me knickers.” With that decree, he contacted President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi to confirm the exchange.

Book Ban Takes Effect at Schoolhouse Rock

Famous for its groundbreaking junction of education, music, and, um, junctions, the iconic educational institute Schoolhouse Rock has come under fire for its recent book ban. The administration has begun removing a variety of books from shelves that they have deemed to be harmful to the student body, including To Kill a Mockingbird and “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your LGBTQ+ Here.” In a press conference on Tuesday, the Principal of Schoolhouse Rock, Dr. Justin A. Bill, stated, “Our children should

Spotify Wrapped Ruffles Feathers By Featuring Independent Taiwan as Location

This past November, as we’ve seen so many times before, Spotify Wrapped took the world by storm with its sleek presentation style and the implementation of geographical identifications according to your listening habits. Some users, however, said they received an odd and politically contentious message that read, “This year, your listening took you places, and one place listened just like you: the independent nation of Taiwan.” Some of our readers may know that the political status of Taiwan is a

Inclusivity Win! To Welcome in the Holiday Season, Michael Schill Googles Kwanzaa

Now that your roommate has finally returned home from his Halloweekend bender at U of I, it’s time to get ready for the holidays. Reports say that Northwestern’s administration is well-aware of the impending season and is “itching to finally get some good press for the first time since we filled in that lake.” Exclusive reports from within the offices of the Michael Schill, famed cheese lover and pet sniffer, indicate that the institution would like to expand the festivities

He Had to Do WHAT to WHO? John Wilkes Booth’s WILD Fantasy Football Punishment

Spend 24 hours in a Waffle House, get a tattoo of your friend’s choosing, or perform at an open mic. These are some of the most popular fantasy football punishments for the poor saps who finish last in their league, but once upon a time a man made the news for his WILD punishment. And you’ll never guess what he did or who he did it to. John Wilkes Booth was just a regular joe competing in his local fantasy

From The Prehistoric Archives: OOGA OOGA ROAR The Existence Of A Capitalist State Relies Fundamentally On The Exploitation Of Those Who Participate But Are Not Allowed To Excel In The System Governing Their Lives

DINOSAUR GO! One must question the system I expect we shall soon find ourselves operating beneath — a system in which the oligarchs of society control the upper echelon outside of the laws binding those beneath them.

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