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Mississippi Balloon Boy Flies Away

October 31, 2009 Michael Anders Leave a comment

CHUNKY, MISSISSIPPI—Two days ago, Mississippi six-year-old Eagle Bean decided he wanted to go on a balloon adventure. Bob Bean, Eagle’s father and US Army balloon warfare specialist, had designed a balloon spy drone with his wife that could be used to spy on terrorists. They had been working on the balloon in their backyard. The large, white balloon, designed to appear conspicuous during night-time operations, had a small compartment to hold a camera and electrical wiring. Since the balloon was

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Palin Memoir to Include Color-By-Numbers, Hidden Pictures

October 9, 2009 Dan Stevens Leave a comment

JUNEAU, AK—Former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin has finished writing her memoir, Going Rogue: An American Life. Originally slated to be a 400-page chronicle of Palin’s political and personal life, the memoir underwent a complete overhaul of its content and scope, leading to its completion months ahead of schedule. “The initial intent of the memoir was to touch upon Palin’s personal beliefs, family life, and experiences growing up in Alaska and in politics,” said Maria Tonne, a spokesperson

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President Obama Wins Flipside Readership Award

October 8, 2009 Amanda Simmons Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—The nation went into a state of shock last night after President Barack Obama unexpectedly was awarded the internationally-celebrated honor of “Having Read the Most Issues of Northwestern Flipside.” Obama admitted he himself was surprised by the win, as he has never before read an issue of The Flipside. The president said he is deeply humbled by the award, but realizes he still has some reading to do. “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be

Blagojevich Sells Olympics to Rio

October 4, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

COPENHAGEN—Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced today that Chicago’s fourth-place finish in the 2016 Olympic selection process was actually a preconceived scheme to sell the Olympics to the highest bidder. “I’ve got these Olympics, and they’re fucking golden,” explained Blagojevich. “Almost as golden as a vacant senate seat…or my haircut.” Blagojevich went on to explain his reasoning behind the seemingly ingenious plan. “Chicago sports fans are used to waiting for things,” said the ex-governor. “I mean, look at the Cubs.

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Jack Bauer Unable to Prevent Terrorists from Releasing Swine Flu

May 1, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—Jack Bauer has been busy. So busy, in fact, that he finally let one slip through his fingers. A terrorist cell in affiliation with a private company in association with a terrorist group helped and then destroyed by Tony Almeda only to be re-affiliated with Tony Almeda in connection with a rogue government agent has successfully released the deadly Swine flu into the general population. Jack Bauer, anti-terrorist extraordinaire, failed to save the U.S. from what could turn into a

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Barack Obama Friends Hugo Chavez on Facebook

May 1, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—After exchanging a handshake and what were described as “warm words” with Hugo Chavez, Barack Obama friended the Venezuelan president on Facebook yesterday. Obama described the move as “a step forward in American foreign policy.” Chavez was quick to accept the friend request, saying he was happy to finally get the respect he deserved from the American government. “All that Bush guy ever did was send me pokes. For crying out loud George, do you have any idea how annoying

Obama Sends Pirates, Depp Hiding

April 17, 2009 Anant Shah Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—This past week, with the capture and subsequent (successful) rebellion of the Maersk Alabama on the Horn of Africa against Somali pirates, President Obama pledged to fight piracy. He had decided to start with the notoriously “reckless” pirate, Jack Sparrow, aka Johnny Depp due to his flamboyant portrayals of piracy in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Other targeted pirates include Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly, as their portrayal of piracy indicated that pirates have some sort of higher purpose.

Next Time, North Korea Won’t Use Fisher-Price Rocket

April 11, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

SEOUL—A report surfaced early Friday morning that the North Korean military had successfully launched a rocket from a beach near Pyongyang. The rocket cruised 100 ft. across the beach before landing harmlessly in the breaking waves of the Pacific Ocean. “This is a great day for the North Korean military,” explained foreign official Kim-Seong Moon, “It truly establishes North Korea as one of the most potent military forces in the entire world.” The rocket was clearly ineffective, as it fizzled

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Chicago Out of 2016 Olympic Race after Committee Tours South Side

April 3, 2009 Anant Shah Leave a comment

CHICAGO—The International Olympic Committee’s (IOC) five day tour of the city was cut short late Sunday evening. Members began arriving on Thursday at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport and were welcomed by a colorful display of 2016 Olympic banners and flags. Mayor Daley was on hand for the IOC’s arrival. “We’ve been planning this for a long time. We have to put a lot of time and money into this; we’ll try to impress the [committee] as much as possible. It

Infertile Couple Adopts a Highway

February 6, 2009 Jeremy Keeshin Leave a comment

BOULDER JUNCTION, WI—In what is being called revolutionary and ground-breaking news around the country, the simple couple from Boulder Junction, Wisconsin, Mary and Timothy Dawson, have high hopes that they will adopt a highway. The Dawson’s had been trying to have a child for the past three years, but it just wasn’t working. “We went to our doctor,” Mary said, “and he told us we were going to have to look at other options. He suggested possible sperm donation, or

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