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Category Archives: World

Chilean Miners Surprised to See Humans Have Yet to Evolve

October 20, 2010 Clare Roth Leave a comment

COPIAPO, CHILE—Chilean miners were taken aback last Tuesday when they emerged from the mine to a world almost identical to the one they had left. “To be honest, we were imagining a Planet of the Apes scenario. At the very least, we assumed people would have evolved past the point of chinstrap facial hair,” Jose Rodriguez, the second miner to emerge, said. The miners listed the economic crisis, the Gulf Coast oil remnants, and world hunger as problems they couldn’t

Germany Settles WWI Debt to Allies: “What other war?” asks Chancellor

October 6, 2010 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

BERLIN—This past Sunday, German Chancellor Angela Merkel held a special rally to announce that Germany’s WWI debts had officially been paid off, and her nation’s conscience could now rest easy. Raucous applause was cut short, however, when an aide frantically rushed onstage to inform Merkel that Germany had, in fact, been involved another major conflict since Armistice Day, 1917. “Why was I not told?” Chancellor Merkel reportedly hissed, as her supporters frantically began to murmur amongst themselves. “Did we win?

UN: Red Cross Flooded Pakistan to Raise Awareness

October 6, 2010 Tyler Dillon Leave a comment

NEW YORK—Last Friday, the United Nations Subcommittee on Natural Disasters released a report crediting the International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC) with the recent Pakistani floods that have left 21 million homeless. The investigation cited anonymous sources in the organization, who said the disaster created “new publicity and fundraising opportunities.” Red Cross President Jakob Kellenberger immediately accepted full responsibility for the floods. In a recent press conference, the President promised that, due to conflict-of-interest concerns, the organization would remove

Chilean Government Pledges Alcohol and Cigarettes for Minors in Need

October 6, 2010 Eric Kennedy Leave a comment

SANTIAGO, CHILE—The Chilean minors have been neglected for months, but with a new government program entitled “No Minor Left Behind” (NMLB), the Chilean government vows to make sure each minor is given essentials that everyone needs: a six-pack of Budweiser and a pack of cigarettes. “It is essential to promote the health and well-being of every citizen, especially the children” commented one government spokesman about NMLB, which looks to be implemented before the year’s end, “By the end of the

FL Pastor Plans to Burn “Audacity of Hope”

September 16, 2010 Katie Prentiss Leave a comment

“We here at Unity and Peace (For All White, Straight, Christians [excluding Catholics]) Church believe that it is just unconstitutional to have a Muslim president,” Jones said. “Not to mention he’s not even an American Citizen!”

Al Gore Wistfully Stares at Signature Before Adding Prefix “Vice”

April 18, 2010 Brad Horras Leave a comment

NEW YORK—Former Vice President Al Gore hastily scratched in the word “Vice” before “President Al Gore” Monday, startled from a moment lost in thought as a staffer asked if he was done endorsing a non-binding U.N. resolution. Internal sources report his “Vice” has grown increasingly haphazardly-placed in relation to the rest of his title and is always written last, often in lowercase. The Nobel Prize winner currently divides his time between leading his Alliance for Climate Protection, and adding work

Jews Create Passover Lamb Mascot to Rival Easter Bunny

April 7, 2010 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

WILLIAMSBURG, NY—Rabbi Zev Cohen announced on Monday that the Kid-Oriented Semetic Heritage Expression Registry (KOSHER) has officially created a child-friendly mascot commemorating the holiday of Passover, Schleppy the Passover Lamb. “We noticed the success of the Easter Bunny,” explained Cohen, “and thought it would be smart to create a mascot to emulate its success.” Cohen’s bubbe then interrupted the press conference by asking the rabbi if he wanted more lox, causing a 5-minute interruption. The contest to design the mascot

Earthquake Hits Chile, U.S. out of Fundraising Ideas

March 3, 2010 Katie Prentiss Leave a comment

SANTIAGO, CHILE—The earthquake that ravaged Chile this week has left millions of philanthropists confused. After contributing all their efforts to Haiti, people seem to have no charitable spunk left. After countless bakesales, Hulu ads, piggy-bank smashings, and illegal bootleggings for Haiti, people just don’t have any money left to give to Chile – or, for that matter, the desire to do so. CNN, in a desperate effort to stay hip, tried to rally their followers with tweets like “sux 4

Men’s Figure Skating Fashion Round Up

March 1, 2010 Katie Singh Leave a comment

From the Northwestern Flipside Olympics correspondent. Find out who were the best and worst dressed male figure skaters.

Terrorist Attack Cripples Detroit; Americans Indifferent

January 1, 2010 Flippy Leave a comment

DETROIT—Terrorists destroyed the city of Detroit on Christmas Day. Not surprisingly, there has been very little outcry from the rest of the United States. In fact, Americans are rather indifferent to the event. Some even show signs of joy, describing the attack as a “Christmas miracle.” President Obama said Friday that this attack is possibly the best thing to happen to America during his presidency. “Detroit was holding America back from greatness,” the President said in a press conference. “The