World | Northwestern Flipside

Category Archives: World

Journalists Admit to Instigating Revolts in the Middle East “We were in it for the money”

February 27, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

It has been a tough decade for journalists. Many have had to take up second jobs as teachers or bloggers to make a living. In 2010, however, the Journalist Organization for Better Standing (JOBS), decided to do something about it. “We held a think tank meeting at a Starbucks,” said JOBS president Joseph Medill. “It was there that Rudy [Murdoch] came up with what has been a game-changing decision for us: overthrow the Tunisian government and send the whole world

Northwestern Trades Morty to Egypt for Mubarak and 2nd Round Pick

February 12, 2011 Michael Anders Leave a comment

Looking to give its team a spark before the 2012 US News and World Report Tournament, Northwestern has traded President Morty Shapiro to Egypt for President Hosni Mubarak and a 2nd-round pick in this year’s draft. There are reports of cash considerations being included in Egypt’s package to NU as well. Since Morty arrived in 2009, Northwestern has made the tournament in each of his two years at the school but has yet to advance past the first round. Last

NU Qatar Students Outraged Over Enforcement of Harem Law

February 2, 2011 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

DOHA, QATAR – Students at Northwestern University in Qatar have been up in arms over the city’s claims that they will be stepping up enforcement of the infamous harem law. The harem law, which been on the books since the days of the sultans, prohibits a man from living with more than three wives in any building not specifically zoned to be a harem. Enforcement of the law has been lax, but due to a huge population boom in Doha,

Texting While Jihad-ing: It Can Wait

February 2, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

TRIBAL PAKISTAN – Authorities recently revealed that a would-be Russian suicide bomber’s vest detonated prematurely in the outskirts of Moscow. The terrorist, who was scheduled to attack Red Square, was killed in her safe house after receiving an automated “Happy New Year” text from her wireless provider. In the following days, Al-Qaeda has launched a new PSA aimed at keeping their bombers’ phones where they belong: strapped to cases of PETN and ball-bearings. The new campaign, spearheaded by New York

School For Illiterate Bans ‘Huck Finn’ Over Misread Title

January 12, 2011 Michael Davis Leave a comment

NASHVILLE – Located just outside the Tennessee capitol, the school board of the Lakewood Children’s Institute reached a decision this Wednesday to ban all copies of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn from its premises. The administration found itself in this situation due to a long list of complaints from teachers and parents claiming that students frequently misread the book’s title and pronounced “the F-bomb” instead. Considering that Lakewood Children’s Institute teaches exclusively illiterate and dyslexic children, evidently this happened quite

Nation’s Men: Airport Pat Downs Totally Cool As Long As It’s A Chick

November 23, 2010 Brad Horras Leave a comment

LOS ANGELES – In a recent Pew research poll, 73% of American citizens cite new TSA search regulations as invasive and unnecessary, but found an overwhelming 98% of males polled are “strongly in favor” of the pat down option, as long as the officer is female. While we saw a strong trend at 85% of women feeling more comfortable with a member of their own sex conducting the search, almost all men responded with the same favor of women. “In

Health Standard for Happy-Meal Toys Causes Imports from China to Drop by 90%

November 10, 2010 Brian Earl Leave a comment

SAN FRANCISCO—The Chinese economy recently took a hit due to a new San Francisco law that bans restaurants from giving away toys with any meals deemed unhealthy. San Francisco, deemed one of America’s 100 fattest cities in 2010 by Men’s Health, immediately put a hold on all imports of Happy Meal toys. “We already had several warehouses full of toys for local restaurants,” said importer/exporter Art Vandelay. “With the new law, it will take years to get rid of all

Read more Business, Nation, No. 45, World

French Protesters Waking Up Before Noon for the First Time Since They Last Rioted

November 2, 2010 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

MARSEILLE, FRANCE—French rioters, upset over proposed austerity measures that would see them working an additional 2 years before retirement, have taken to waking up at 10AM to prove just how serious they really are. “It’s all about the precedent,” 26-year-old government notary Paul Mailloux told me over a breakfast of freshly-baked breads and pastries as we sat down on the terrace of his high-rise apartment, enjoying the gorgeous view of Marseille’s famous Jardin des Vestiges. “If we give them a

Chilean Miners Surprised to See Humans Have Yet to Evolve

October 20, 2010 Clare Roth Leave a comment

COPIAPO, CHILE—Chilean miners were taken aback last Tuesday when they emerged from the mine to a world almost identical to the one they had left. “To be honest, we were imagining a Planet of the Apes scenario. At the very least, we assumed people would have evolved past the point of chinstrap facial hair,” Jose Rodriguez, the second miner to emerge, said. The miners listed the economic crisis, the Gulf Coast oil remnants, and world hunger as problems they couldn’t

Germany Settles WWI Debt to Allies: “What other war?” asks Chancellor

October 6, 2010 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

BERLIN—This past Sunday, German Chancellor Angela Merkel held a special rally to announce that Germany’s WWI debts had officially been paid off, and her nation’s conscience could now rest easy. Raucous applause was cut short, however, when an aide frantically rushed onstage to inform Merkel that Germany had, in fact, been involved another major conflict since Armistice Day, 1917. “Why was I not told?” Chancellor Merkel reportedly hissed, as her supporters frantically began to murmur amongst themselves. “Did we win?