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Prisoner Release Stalled While Israelis Refused to Pay Shipping & Handling

October 18, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

JERUSALEM – Efforts to secure Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit’s release after five years of captivity hit an unexpected obstacle at the 11th hour Tuesday morning. Israeli officials were up in arms over a $4.99 shipping and handling surcharge levied by Gaza militant leaders Hamas, reportedly threatening to issue a charge-back on the MasterCard if Hamas “continually refuse[d] to honor the original arrangement.” Despite threats of an Israeli walk-out, tensions were finally relieved as Hamas graciously agreed to waive the fee

EU Votes Against Bailing Greece Out of Jail

October 10, 2011 Flippy One comment

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS – The International Criminal Court today announced that it would continue holding Greece in prison indefinitely as it was unable to find a country willing to pay the $532 billion necessary to make bond. Greece, awaiting trial for numerous crimes including kidnapping and false imprisonment of a Lacoste mannequin, assault and battery of an Albanian Gypsy, and grand larceny of a dozen Nair products from an Athens CVS, refused to comment through its lawyer. “It is tragic

Qaddafi Escapes Discovery by Wearing Normal Clothing

October 5, 2011 Chandler Dutton One comment

TRIPOLI – In a bold choice of evasive strategy, former Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi has opted to dress in normal attire in order to hide from Libyan rebels. Typically known for his bold, outlandish outfits, Qaddafi has come to the real viagra generic ization that one possible way to avoid recognition is to remove all searingly bright, leopard-print and fur-trimmed outfits from his choice of attire. In an official statement released from the Qaddafi camp, the fleeing dictator asserted, “I’ve

Dept. of Defense to Release Intel on Locating Pakistan

May 12, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

“‘Americans have the right to know how we’ve been working to protect them, spending ten long years for Pakistan’s exact location,’ said Anton Brownstone, who has been charge of the search since the early years of the Bush administration. . . Brownstone explained that it was his team who finally found Pakistan ‘hiding’ slightly above the Indian subcontinent.”

Bin Laden Dead at 54; Just One Week from Retirement

May 5, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

“’What’s the worst that could happen? One week from now I’ll be in Cabo working on my tan. I just feel I owe this department one more round of duty, you know?’

A Somali Man to America: “Cheer Up!”

April 28, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

This article was written by Aden Daar, a Somali villager. I was rummaging through the town landfill this morning, looking for some food for today’s meal, when I came across a copy of last week’s New York Times. I saw an article describing how Americans were sad. It said something about rising gas prices, unemployment, a government in disagreement, etc etc etc etc etc. Let me tell you something, America. CHEER UP! Who am I, you might ask, to order

Read more Articles, No. 57, Opinion, World

Point-Counterpoint: The Royal Wedding

April 28, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

Why Do Brits Love Their Royal Family? By Andrew Schneider Seems I can’t take three steps these days without someone running their yap about the royal wedding. It could just be that I consider myself a true American, with apple pie in my gut and cholesterol in my veins, but I have a truly difficult time giving any sort of a flying fuck about this wedding. Hell, I can’t even stand weddings for people I know, but for whatever reason

Read more Articles, No. 57, Opinion, World

Exclusive Look at Japan: The Movie

April 28, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

Who better to formulate characters, plot and emotional tension than beloved renaissance filmmaker Michael Bay?

US to arm Libyans with Super Soakers

April 5, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

“Not only can we have our revenge against the tyrannic rule. Also, my son Khaled can now have the best backyard barbecue birthday party ever.”

Sex strike on Politicians in Belgium. Senators turn to mistresses.

March 4, 2011 Jay Calhoun One comment

BRUSSELS – Belgium has faced a political deadlock that has been going on for eight months. In a flash of ingenuity, Belgian Senator Marleen Temmerman called for a sex strike imposed by the wives of the politicians until agreements start getting reached. At first there was confusion as to whether this pertained to all forms of sex (including oral, anal, and nasal), but upon clarifying that it includes everything up to a quickie handy, the men decided to finally take action.