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Category Archives: Sports

Groupon Sets October Ferris Bueller Screening at Wrigley for Next 100 Years

October 5, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

CHICAGO – Groupon has scheduled a screening of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off at Wrigley Field on the first Saturday of October for the next 100 years. “It became readily apparent over the past few years that the Cubs will never have use for Wrigley Field in October,” Andrew Mason, CEO of Groupon, stated in a press conference. “They are just an incredibly shitty baseball team.” The Cubs have not had a winning record in three seasons. Despite boasting impressive household

Wide Receiver Brandon Marshall To Be Cut Twice

April 28, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

MIAMI – Star wide receiver Brandon Marshall may be cut twice in the span of a week. The first cut occurred seven days ago when his wife stabbed him in a domestic dispute. Several days after the incident, rumors began circulating that the Miami Dolphins would release him from the team. The move was quite unexpected considering how Marshall had been carving up the opposition last season. “The way he was knifing in between those safeties was downright impressive,” according

Pacers More or Less Up 2-0 on Bulls

April 20, 2011 Sam Block Leave a comment

“If the NBA just added spirit points, I think we could be officially winning this series.”

Due to NFL Lockout, Players Forced to Actually Learn

April 6, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Due to the recent NFL lockout, universities across the country are being forced to reconsider their football programs, which often allow players to attend college without ever really being challenged. Some schools have chosen to actually try to educate their players, but the more common response has been to simply send them back to middle school, where they will fit in academically. According to Bill Finkelton, the director of the University of Alabama football program, they’re going to

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Wheelbarrow Poised to Win Game of Monopoly

March 4, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

ATLANTIC CITY – In what is surely a game for the ages, the wheelbarrow is about to win a game of monopoly. It has $1300 in cash and owns the red monopoly, consisting of Kentucky Avenue, Indiana Avenue, and Illinois Avenue. “I just knew my business was turning around when I landed on Indiana Avenue,” the wheelbarrow commented. “Seriously, there are now three stunningly beautiful houses here! Who wouldn’t want to stay in one of them and pay me $700

Read more Articles, Business, Entertainment, No. 53, Sports

Northwestern Trades Morty to Egypt for Mubarak and 2nd Round Pick

February 12, 2011 Michael Anders Leave a comment

Looking to give its team a spark before the 2012 US News and World Report Tournament, Northwestern has traded President Morty Shapiro to Egypt for President Hosni Mubarak and a 2nd-round pick in this year’s draft. There are reports of cash considerations being included in Egypt’s package to NU as well. Since Morty arrived in 2009, Northwestern has made the tournament in each of his two years at the school but has yet to advance past the first round. Last

Words Can Bring Down Ex-Teen Pop Sensation

February 9, 2011 Tom Shimandle Leave a comment

“The only logical conclusion is that this woman is a member of a domestically based terrorist cell”

10 Things Worse than the Cleveland Cavaliers (two takes)

February 9, 2011 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

Take One: Joe Misulonas 10. Fred Armisen’s impersonation of Barack Obama on Saturday Night Live– Just because you speak with a staccato doesn’t make it a Barack Obama impersonation. Neither does dressing in blackface, which I had to learn the hard way. 9. Lebron James’ reputation- The only positive about the Cavaliers losing is that with every loss, more people begin to draw Hitler mustaches on Lebron James basketball cards. 8. Home Away’s Super Bowl Commercial- You might know this

Pro Bowl 2011: AFC Quarterbacks Throw More Interceptions Than Completions; No One Cares

February 2, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

Jay Cutler Now an Aries, Doomed to Lose to Packers

January 18, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

CHICAGO – The Chicago Bears organization announced Tuesday that quarterback Jay Cutler would never again defeat the Green Bay Packers due to the realignment of the zodiac. According to head coach Lovie Smith, team psychic Mademoiselle Estrelanga Strelengelthop completed her analysis of what the stars have in store for the Bears Monday evening, when the alignment of Jupiter and Sirius was conducive to productive astrologizing. The results were not good for Bears fans. “Since we finally realized that the zodiac