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Category Archives: Sports

[Future Issue: 2161] Chicago Cubs Win 75th Consecutive World Series

November 16, 2011 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

THE MOON – Baseball’s most successful franchise won its seventy-fifth straight title (and seventy-seventh overall) last week, defeating the Galactic League champion Boron VI Green Stockings of the Luciferin Galaxy. This year’s Series was played on Earth’s moon for only the fifth time after the Moon League won the All-Galaxy Game in a dramatic 4-3 nail biter. It was Starlin Castro IV who hit the go-ahead 1,091 foot homerun in reduced gravity to give the Cubs the 2161 title. The

[Future Issue: 2161] Sports Week in Review: NBA Lockout Almost Over, Favre Contemplating Return

November 16, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

Media analysts say that even if the league makes its return this winter, it will have a tough time competing with major-market sports like hover-NASCAR.

Former Heavyweight Champ Joe Frazier Dies after Fight with Liver Cancer

November 11, 2011 Dr. D.F. Xavier Rubino Leave a comment

EVANSTON – In a shocking turn of events, boxing icon Joe Frazier finally succumbed to his injuries sustained from liver cancer this past Monday. Although many know of his exploits on the canvas, few are aware that the 5’11” champ was hell-bent on “taking out cancer”. Shortly after he retired, and against the direct advice of many professionals, he began a campaign to “beat cancer the only way I know how: with my fists”. Frazier became notorious in certain hospital circles

Kobe Bryant Unlocks NBA’s Chastity Belt; Stern Says Put a Ring on It

October 25, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

LOS ANGELES – While on an archaeological dig in Turkey, Kobe Bryant discovered the key to David Stern’s chastity belt. “Now that we have this key at our disposal, the lockout seems like a joke,” said Los Angeles Laker Derek Fisher. “All we have to do now is find Stern’s keyhole, and we can mount better negotiations.” Stern is still standing firmly erect with the owners on the lockout issue as of now. “Look, I understand Mr. Bryant has discovered

Cubs Sign Epstein, Fans Fear Success

October 18, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

CHICAGO – The Chicago Cubs recently announced the signing of ex-Red-Sox general manager Theo Epstein to a 5 year-$20 million contract, making him one of the highest paid non-players on the Cubs directly behind Carlos Zambrano, Alfonso Soriano, and Ryan Dempster. Epstein, who is just coming off the most unproductive month of his career with the Red Sox, is expected to fit in flawlessly with the overpaid, underperforming style of play the Cubs have perfected over the years. “We are

Fitz Bribes Penn State Coach to Ensure Homecoming Win

October 18, 2011 Laken Howard Leave a comment

EVANSTON—After enduring four grueling consecutive losses, Northwestern students and fans everywhere are finding it difficult to keep their spirits up. However, it was recently discovered that head coach Pat Fitzgerald has offered head coach of Penn State University Joe Paterno an irresistible bribe to secure a win this coming Saturday for the homecoming game. “I offered him season tickets to see us ‘Cats play next year. I figured it was an experience he couldn’t otherwise get and one that most

Northwestern to Replace Football Team with Real Athletes

October 18, 2011 Laura McGehee Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Following Saturday’s loss to Iowa, the Northwestern athletic department has decided to take a new approach in managing the football team. Luke Harrison, Director of Athletics, explained Monday that the coaching staff has decided to replace the entire football team. “The fact of the matter is, we have the potential to be a really good team. The thing that is really messing up our players is the fact that they are students at Northwestern,” Harrison said. “We realized

Trix Rabbit Eludes NU Defense, Eats First Ever Bowl of Trix

October 18, 2011 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

IOWA CITY, IA – Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Human kids. Or are they? Since 1959, the Trix rabbit (pictured) has been unable to taste the sweet sugary goodness of Trix cereal. Although he has come close in nearly every commercial, his attempts have always been thwarted at the last second by young children. That all changed last Saturday. “We just finished our team warm-ups before sitting down for breakfast in the team hotel,” a Northwestern linebacker, who wished

Yankees Pull Total Dick Move on Red Sox

October 10, 2011 Steven Goldstein Leave a comment

BOSTON – Major League Baseball’s investigation of the New York Yankees has finally concluded, with the official report ruling that the Bronx Bombers are still total douchebags. This examination came at the request of the Red Sox, who would not stop bitching about their historic September collapse. Believing that the Yanks fixed their regular-season finale against the Tampa Bay Rays, team representatives sent a formal request to commissioner Bud Selig, who was pleasantly surprised to learn that the playoffs had

Attention-Deprived White Sox Fan Upset He Doesn’t Get Documentary

October 5, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

CHICAGO – A local fan is upset after learning no one cares that he cost the White Sox their final game of the year. When Bart Stevens, 28, snatched an easily catchable foul ball from directly above the mitt of outfielder Juan Pierre, he expected boos, thrown beer bottles, and crazed fans attempting to hurt him. “I was waiting to get hit over the back of the head with something or to get punched by a rabid Sox supporter,” Stevens