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Category Archives: Sports

British Tour de France Winner Really Excited About Royal Baby

July 23, 2013 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

PARIS, FRANCE — Chris Froome, the recent champion of the 100th Tour de France, was reportedly ecstatic to receive news of the birth of His Highness the Prince of Cambridge on Monday. Froome, who won the month-long, 2,100 mile bike race by the largest margin since 2005, hurriedly raced to the finish line in the last stage to see if Kate had delivered the baby yet. “I can’t believe the royal baby has arrived! What did it weigh, half a stone? Wow.

Derrick Rose Announces Retirement, Will Join Giordano’s Marketing Team as Pizza Model

June 12, 2013 Janesh Rahlan Leave a comment

CHICAGO — Thousands of Chicago Bulls fans rushed to the United Center today to hear Derrick Rose’s press conference, at which Rose stunned fans when he proclaimed, “I’m taking my talents to Giordano’s.” Rose declared that he would not be participate in the 2013-2014 NBA season. Instead, he will devote his time to pizza modeling. Rose is famous for his Giordano’s marketing campaign, a product that has been largely responsible for Chicago’s rampant obesity problem. “I love playing basketball, and

Does No One Bloody Care That Sir Alex Resigned?!

May 18, 2013 Adam Pecena One comment

By Alexander Timothy Rawlings III, the British exchange student living on the seventh floor of Plex I can’t believe this. I bloody can’t. A bloke who’s been the head coach of one of the most famous football (yes, real football, not that sodding joke of a sport that’s ripping off rugby) clubs in the world for TWENTY-SIX YEARS resigns and NOBODY in this country bloody notices? I mean, I’m pretty tolerant, so I understand that you yanks pay more attention

The Fraternity Man’s Guide to Derby Day Success

May 6, 2013 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

Though a cornerstone of American equine tradition, the Kentucky Derby can prove a stressful experience for horse owners and spectators alike, wrought with high social standards for etiquette, dress code, and cocktail consumption. To prepare brothers and other students planning on a trip to Churchill Downs, several NU fraternities teamed up with campus organizations including the Equestrian Club, Future Oil Billionaires of America, and the Daughters and Sons of the Confederacy to host a pre-Derby spirit week featuring daily mini-courses

Wildcat Fan Congratulates Field Hockey Player for Her Team’s Success

April 24, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

EVANSTON — When Bienen sophomore Kayla Toussmann found out that Emily DeGrout, her fellow sophomore and classmate in Italian 101-3, was on the field hockey team, she felt excited to be in the presence of such a successful athlete. “The field hockey team, like, never loses,” said Toussmann. “It’s the one sport our school is actually good at! When Emily told me, ‘Gioco a hockey su prato’—‘I play field hockey’—I was all like, ‘Oh mio dio! Questo è fantastico! Congratulazioni!’”

Coach Carmody Fired after Mediocre CTECs; Coach Collins Vows to Do Better

April 5, 2013 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Everyone at Chris Collins’ press conference was waiting to ask the obvious question: what will he do to improve NU basketball’s CTECs? Coach Bill Carmody, who was fired after thirteen years of employment, saw the reported amount of time in practice drop dramatically on his CTECs, as well as low ratings for stimulating interest in the subject and overall rating of the instruction. For years, players have had plenty of time to fill out their basketball CTECs, since

Jay Cutler Announces Early Retirement, to Pursue Dream Career in Investment Banking

April 3, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

CHICAGO — Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler stunned the seventy people who follow the NFL in the off-season when he announced his retirement at a surprise press conference. “It’s time for me to move on,” said the disgruntled quarterback. “I’m tired of getting sacked by Clay Matthews and Ndamukong Suh. I’m tired of throwing interceptions. I’m tired of having my toughness questioned, of being called weak.” Cutler said he plans to pursue his other dream job. “Being a starting NFL

Anti-Doping Administration Tests Third Graders at Oshkosh Spelling Bee, Kickball Tournament

March 13, 2013 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

OSHKOSH, WI — After running a full battery of tests on competitors at the World Ice Fishing Championship at the Big Eau Pleine Reservoir near Wausua, Wisconsin last week, World Anti-Doping Agency officials made a trip two hours southeast to the Oshkosh Elementary School Third Grade Spelling Bee to test contestants for a similar array of performance enhancing substances. “For a long time, we figured the only athletes who would use performance enhancing drugs would be like, you know, actual

Athletes Find New Performance-Enhancing Drugs From Unlikely Sources

February 7, 2013 Christian Hernandez Leave a comment

AUBURN, AL — College and professional athletes alike are facing criticism for using deer antler spray to enhance their performance. Football players at big-time SEC schools in particular have allegedly bought and used deer antler spray despite it being considered a performance-enhancing drug. True, it sounds a bit crazy, but down south football is everything! A special Flipside investigation has unearthed the next groundbreaking PEDs that athletes will abuse. 1. Injecting Elephant Tranquilizer Fluid The tranquilizer fluid will be taken

The Super Bowl Time Travels to the Nineties

February 3, 2013 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

NEW ORLEANS, LA — Between the San Francisco 49ers using Tupac’s “California Love” as their run-in music and the fact that the 49ers were actually played, Super Bowl XLVII proved it could effectively time travel to 1999. At the request of Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis, NFL officials decided to bend the laws of physics to go back in time before “the incident.” Lewis was looking for a repeat of Super Bowl XXXV, which included a MVP-winning performance and performances