J.B. Pritzker Caught Using Campaign Funds for Jowl Reduction Surgery
“It was all done to help the campaign. Seriously, why don’t you try giving a speech with two plastic bags hanging off the sides of your face?”
Category Archives: Politics
Magician Who Pulled Quarter From Trump’s Ear Named New Treasury Secretary
“Given Duke’s ability to generate money from ears, combine two rings into one, and materialize rabbits from his hat, he is overqualified for the position.”
White Allies Second-Guessing Decision to Dress Up for MLK Day
MertĂĽtis and Blomquist originally drew high praise from other white allies for being so progressive as to have a woman portray Martin Luther King.
Democrats Pull Off Major Victory in War on Christmas
“I can’t wait to personally feed every hardworking family’s Christmas tree into a wood chipper.”
Trump Proposes “Smushing” The Koreas Together To End Border Conflict
“Trump kept pushing his hands together, attempting to push two imaginary landmasses across an ethereal demilitarized zone; his face reportedly became increasingly purple as well.”
Holy Food War Breaks Out Between Halal and Kosher Food Stations
“It was a nightmare. Scalding matzah ball soup blinded four and stab wounds from Iraqi kebabs took the lives of two Buddhist passersby. Also, the vegan table is now totally covered in Kosher brisket shrapnel. What am I supposed to eat now?”
College Republicans Can’t Wait to Plan Next Year’s Offensive Guest Speaker
“As soon as we saw the angry Twitter posts and op-ed articles in The Daily Northwestern, we knew that our event was a major success.”
JFK Files Reveal Surprisingly Solid Mixtape
these beats are, in fact, sick, but unfortunately never saw the light of day because “they would have blown the American public’s mind, figuratively, of course”.
Study Confirms That, Despite Wanting to, Gays Cannot Create Hurricanes
“It’s not like we haven’t tried,” said Ainsley.
White Co-Worker: So, Uh, How About That Cubs Game?
After grabbing an unmarked yogurt from the company refrigerator, he knew he had to speak up against the injustice.