Sex Offenders to Be Reintroduced to Community through Political Office
“Cosigners allayed concerns of molesters worldwide and sent the message that they would under no circumstances be held accountable for their actions.”
Category Archives: Politics
Exclusive: ASG President-Elect Accepted $13.35 in Bribes During Term as Academics VP
A formal report filed by an anonymous whistleblower to the ASG Election Commission alleges that Jason Guo, Junior Undersecretary to the Vice Admiral of Academics, delivered an Edzo’s double-griddle burger and strawberry milkshake to Patterson and never received reimbursement.
Model UN Report: Russian Federation Gets First-Ever Handjob from Mexico
“Neither the size of Powell’s dick in particular nor the horniness of the Eastern Bloc ambassadors more generally should take away from our efforts to provide security and prosperity to the world,” the high school senior said.
J.B. Pritzker Caught Using Campaign Funds for Jowl Reduction Surgery
“It was all done to help the campaign. Seriously, why don’t you try giving a speech with two plastic bags hanging off the sides of your face?”
Magician Who Pulled Quarter From Trump’s Ear Named New Treasury Secretary
“Given Duke’s ability to generate money from ears, combine two rings into one, and materialize rabbits from his hat, he is overqualified for the position.”
White Allies Second-Guessing Decision to Dress Up for MLK Day
MertĂĽtis and Blomquist originally drew high praise from other white allies for being so progressive as to have a woman portray Martin Luther King.
Democrats Pull Off Major Victory in War on Christmas
“I can’t wait to personally feed every hardworking family’s Christmas tree into a wood chipper.”
Trump Proposes “Smushing” The Koreas Together To End Border Conflict
“Trump kept pushing his hands together, attempting to push two imaginary landmasses across an ethereal demilitarized zone; his face reportedly became increasingly purple as well.”
Holy Food War Breaks Out Between Halal and Kosher Food Stations
“It was a nightmare. Scalding matzah ball soup blinded four and stab wounds from Iraqi kebabs took the lives of two Buddhist passersby. Also, the vegan table is now totally covered in Kosher brisket shrapnel. What am I supposed to eat now?”
College Republicans Can’t Wait to Plan Next Year’s Offensive Guest Speaker
“As soon as we saw the angry Twitter posts and op-ed articles in The Daily Northwestern, we knew that our event was a major success.”