FORT KENT, MEâIn a stunning turn of events from the White House this past week, the president has been partially pulled back to the border debates of yesteryear with the latest in the shocking development that yet another Canadian had made it past the notorious 5 foot stretch between Canada and the US known in some circles as âThe Maple Express.â This is the first time in this millennium that one of our âsnowy brethrenâ from the north has made
CULPEPPER, VAâParents in the Culpepper County school system have called for a ban of Anne Frankâs erotic novel, The Diary of a Young Girl: The Definitive Edition. Based on the accounts of a young Jewish girl, the book contains some of the Frankâs most sexually explicit thoughts. Reportedly, a passage made mention of the female reproductive organ, which Frank refers to as a âvagina.â Naturally, this raised major concern among parents whose children attended the districtâs schools. âMy daughter is
WASHINGTONâIn a leak of a top-secret intelligence report, it has been revealed that the United States Military has invented Gaydar. The power of Gaydar, which was once restricted only to that friend who could spot a random stranger and instantly declare âgay or straight,â has now been automated and perfected. From this report it is shown that the Gaydar works by reading sexual orientation. Inventor Brian Hughes said, âIt is a sexual GPS of sorts. It can identify anybodyâs location
WASHINGTONâThe EPA recently released a shocking comprehensive report in which they revealed the true cause of global warming: the end of the Cold War. Although the Cold War neared its end twenty years ago with the collapse of the Berlin Wall, its effects on global temperatures are just now being discovered. According to lead scientist Bill Nye, “the frigid diplomatic relations between the United States and the former USSR were the chief source of global cooling and an effective combatant
WASHINGTONâWhat started as a feud between 12-year-olds became something much more when Joe Hansen became the millionth person to join the Facebook group âOne Million Against South Dakotaâ. When Hansen joined the group at 3:58 A.M. on October 30th, President Obama, who had been following the group closely since its start, promptly signed the executive order to revoke South Dakotaâs statehood. âAs president, it is my duty to serve the American people. If the people say they donât like South
WASHINGTONâCongress announced today that the Compromise of 1850, passed nine years ago to help foster cooperation between the North and the South, has been âa complete successâ that âwill not lead to any large-scale civil wars in the near future.â The bill, which features concessions toward both pro- and anti-slavery factions, has so far been met with overwhelming approval. âZero score and nine years ago,â said Abe Lincoln (R-IL), âwe passed this awesome series of bills, and they still kick
WASHINGTONâThe nation went into a state of shock last night after President Barack Obama unexpectedly was awarded the internationally-celebrated honor of âHaving Read the Most Issues of Northwestern Flipside.â Obama admitted he himself was surprised by the win, as he has never before read an issue of The Flipside. The president said he is deeply humbled by the award, but realizes he still has some reading to do. âTo be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be
BOISE, IDâFormer Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, publicly confessed his âgreat loveâ for âthe glorious art of tap-danceâ on a press conference Tuesday. He started his press conference with a string of praise for former Rep. Tom DeLay, R-Texas, whose recent performances on ABCâs âDancing with the Starsâ has triggered a dancing boom among the echelons of former Republican politicians. âA star is born,â squealed the former senator, discussing DeLayâs performance Monday night. âI knew that under his âhammerâ persona, there
WASINGTONâThe former Vice-President has led an outspoken life after completing his second term in January. There is little doubt that he has been critical of the Democratic majority, particularly of President Obamaâs decision to close Guantanamo Bay. He was heavily opposed to Obamaâs new health care plan as well, until he learned of government âdeath panels.â âThese new death panels,â Dick Cheney told The Flipside in an exuberant state, âwill do great things for the American people. It will finally
WASHINGTONâIn yet another press conference, former Vice-President Dick Cheney reiterated his support for George W. Bushâs torture policies, comparing them to other unpopular legislation that was once heavily supported. âPresident Bushâs stance on torture regarding Guantanamo Bay detainees is not unlike the Jim Crow Laws of the 19th and 20th centuries,â said Cheney to a room of 250 reporters from all around the world. âThey both did a lot of good for a lot of people, and theyâve both received