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Category Archives: Politics

Alessio Manti: Actually A Light Bulb Salesman

April 18, 2010 Dr. D.F. Xavier Rubino Leave a comment

EVANSTON—After his defeat in Wednesday’s vital ASG election, certain facts about Claire’s opponent have come to light concerning his true agenda. Alessio Manti, long thought to be striving for a piece of the political pie, is in actuality a simple vendor of incandescent lights, as evidenced by his most prominent campaign icon, an “A” inside one of the devices. However, thanks to an overeager student body and his deep, sonorous voice easily confusable with that of a politician, he was

Claire and Hiro Save Cheerleader, World, ASG

April 18, 2010 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Civilians rejoiced on Wednesday after learning that vice president elect Hiro Kawashima had in fact saved Claire “The Cheerleader” Lew from the clutches of the sinister Alessio “Sylar” Manti. “Yatta!” exclaimed a delighted Kawashima as he stood next to the uninjured Lew, “I wish I could stop time right in this very moment.” Things were looking grim for Claire and Hiro yesterday after Manti made a promise to “inherit the thoughts of [current President] Mike McGee.” He claimed that he

Illegal Canadian Population Reaches 6

February 24, 2010 Dr. D.F. Xavier Rubino Leave a comment

FORT KENT, ME—In a stunning turn of events from the White House this past week, the president has been partially pulled back to the border debates of yesteryear with the latest in the shocking development that yet another Canadian had made it past the notorious 5 foot stretch between Canada and the US known in some circles as “The Maple Express.” This is the first time in this millennium that one of our “snowy brethren” from the north has made

Diary of Anne Frank Stored Away in Secret Annex

February 20, 2010 Chase Sund Leave a comment

CULPEPPER, VA—Parents in the Culpepper County school system have called for a ban of Anne Frank’s erotic novel, The Diary of a Young Girl: The Definitive Edition. Based on the accounts of a young Jewish girl, the book contains some of the Frank’s most sexually explicit thoughts. Reportedly, a passage made mention of the female reproductive organ, which Frank refers to as a “vagina.” Naturally, this raised major concern among parents whose children attended the district’s schools. “My daughter is

U.S. Military Invents Gaydar: Please Don’t Ask or Tell About it

January 20, 2010 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—In a leak of a top-secret intelligence report, it has been revealed that the United States Military has invented Gaydar. The power of Gaydar, which was once restricted only to that friend who could spot a random stranger and instantly declare “gay or straight,” has now been automated and perfected. From this report it is shown that the Gaydar works by reading sexual orientation. Inventor Brian Hughes said, “It is a sexual GPS of sorts. It can identify anybody’s location

True Cause of Global Warming Discovered

November 15, 2009 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—The EPA recently released a shocking comprehensive report in which they revealed the true cause of global warming: the end of the Cold War. Although the Cold War neared its end twenty years ago with the collapse of the Berlin Wall, its effects on global temperatures are just now being discovered. According to lead scientist Bill Nye, “the frigid diplomatic relations between the United States and the former USSR were the chief source of global cooling and an effective combatant

Read more Issue 22, Politics, Sci/Tech, Year 2

Large Facebook Group Causes South Dakota to Lose Statehood

November 2, 2009 Ben Miner One comment

WASHINGTON—What started as a feud between 12-year-olds became something much more when Joe Hansen became the millionth person to join the Facebook group “One Million Against South Dakota”. When Hansen joined the group at 3:58 A.M. on October 30th, President Obama, who had been following the group closely since its start, promptly signed the executive order to revoke South Dakota’s statehood. “As president, it is my duty to serve the American people. If the people say they don’t like South

1859 EDITION: Compromise of 1850 Deemed a Success

October 20, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—Congress announced today that the Compromise of 1850, passed nine years ago to help foster cooperation between the North and the South, has been “a complete success” that “will not lead to any large-scale civil wars in the near future.” The bill, which features concessions toward both pro- and anti-slavery factions, has so far been met with overwhelming approval. “Zero score and nine years ago,” said Abe Lincoln (R-IL), “we passed this awesome series of bills, and they still kick

President Obama Wins Flipside Readership Award

October 8, 2009 Amanda Simmons Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—The nation went into a state of shock last night after President Barack Obama unexpectedly was awarded the internationally-celebrated honor of “Having Read the Most Issues of Northwestern Flipside.” Obama admitted he himself was surprised by the win, as he has never before read an issue of The Flipside. The president said he is deeply humbled by the award, but realizes he still has some reading to do. “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be

Former Senator Larry Craig, Inspired by Tom DeLay, Reveals Passion for Tap Dancing

October 2, 2009 Brian Lee Leave a comment

BOISE, ID—Former Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, publicly confessed his “great love” for “the glorious art of tap-dance” on a press conference Tuesday. He started his press conference with a string of praise for former Rep. Tom DeLay, R-Texas, whose recent performances on ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars” has triggered a dancing boom among the echelons of former Republican politicians. “A star is born,” squealed the former senator, discussing DeLay’s performance Monday night. “I knew that under his ‘hammer’ persona, there