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Category Archives: Politics

FAA Mandates Sippy Cups on Flights

January 12, 2011 Brad Weinberger Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—In response to the false hijacking alarm triggered by a cup of spilled coffee last week, the FAA issued a statement Monday mandating that pilots use sippy cups on all domestic and international flights. “Drinking out of big-boy cups is a privilege, not a right,” commented FAA Administrator, Randy Babbitt. “When our pilots show they have grown up, they can have that privilege back.” Babbitt also announced today that the FAA would be issuing Mickey Mouse and Big Bird cups

Following Defeat, O’Donnell Relapses into Witchcraft, Masturbation

November 10, 2010 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

“Curiously, she tends to yell Obama’s name during both.”

Obama Completes Every Quiz on Sporcle; Republicans Win the House

November 10, 2010 Rhaina Cohen Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—President Obama announced his accomplishment of all 116,365 games on Sporcle one week after the 60-seat Republican sweep of the House. With Republican legislators sure to halt any legislation supported by the Democrats, Obama now has free time to kick back in the Oval Office. “After Tuesday night, I got to thinking about all of those college-aged young people who came out in droves for me in 2008 and considered going to polls this election but decided to watch The

Howard Dean Disappoints Debate Crowd With Lack Of Funny Noises

October 20, 2010 Alex Hampl Leave a comment

In front of a full Pick-Staiger auditorium last Wednesday, Howard Dean disappointed many supporters by not making any funny noises during his debate with former senator Rick Santorum. Dean’s constituency was devastated.

Arizona to Build Fence of Liberty

May 14, 2010 Andrew Gresik Leave a comment

PHOENIX—Arizona Governor Jan Brewer (R) announced this week that the state would be building a Fence of Liberty to greet all those crossing over the border from Mexico. The new structure will be covered in copper, with armed guard towers aloft every 100 yards. On the US side, the fence will read July IV MDCCLXXVI, commemorating the Declaration of Independence, while on the Mexican side it will read April XXIII MMX, commemorating the passage of Arizona Senate Bill 1070, the

Northwestern to Retire John Paul Stevens’ Number

May 14, 2010 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Due to a dearth of athletic achievement at Northwestern, the University has decided to hang a banner in honor of retiring Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens. Justice Stevens attended Northwestern Law School before making it all the way to the Supreme Court. The banner will feature the number of cases he participated in below his last name. One of the more famous cases he presided over was Row v. Wade, in which he ruled that women have the right

Arizona Cops to Recieve Training in Racial Profiling

May 6, 2010 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

PHOENIX, ARIZONA—The Arizona police department released a statement yesterday saying that an addition of 3 million dollars will supplement the police budget in order to improve the racial profiling skills of its officers. This spending increase comes on the heels of SB1070, which requires officers to ask for papers from anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant. According to Governor Jan Brewer, “The program will have very similar goals as the program that enabled the Department of Homeland Security

Obama to Decide Between Dredd and Fudge

May 6, 2010 Jay Calhoun

WASHINGTON—As John Paul Stevens has announced his decision to retire in the near future, President Obama must choose a new justice to replace him. His two current options lie in the very efficient Judge Dredd and very delicious Judge Fudge. Judge Dredd had over twenty years of experience in 2000 AD Comics from a place called Mega-City, while Judge Fudge had experience being a judge for one “power hour” every Saturday morning on children’s television in the 1970s and has

Alessio Manti: Actually A Light Bulb Salesman

April 18, 2010 Dr. D.F. Xavier Rubino Leave a comment

EVANSTON—After his defeat in Wednesday’s vital ASG election, certain facts about Claire’s opponent have come to light concerning his true agenda. Alessio Manti, long thought to be striving for a piece of the political pie, is in actuality a simple vendor of incandescent lights, as evidenced by his most prominent campaign icon, an “A” inside one of the devices. However, thanks to an overeager student body and his deep, sonorous voice easily confusable with that of a politician, he was

Claire and Hiro Save Cheerleader, World, ASG

April 18, 2010 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Civilians rejoiced on Wednesday after learning that vice president elect Hiro Kawashima had in fact saved Claire “The Cheerleader” Lew from the clutches of the sinister Alessio “Sylar” Manti. “Yatta!” exclaimed a delighted Kawashima as he stood next to the uninjured Lew, “I wish I could stop time right in this very moment.” Things were looking grim for Claire and Hiro yesterday after Manti made a promise to “inherit the thoughts of [current President] Mike McGee.” He claimed that he