Category Archives: Politics

Golden Corral Protests Buffet Rule

RALEIGH, NC — President Obama is making the ā€œBuffet Ruleā€ a large part of his reelection campaign, but this proposal has met an unexpected challenger in Golden Corral, famous for its delicious buffets. James H. Maynard, chairman of the corporation, released a statement protesting Obama’s plan of minimum payments from those who are able to consume the most. ā€œObama’s Buffet Rule is nothing but discrimination. We oppose the President in his work to place an unfair burden on our heaviest

Supreme Court Ruling Allows Americans to Choose Between Free Healthcare and Free Cheeseburger

WASHINGTON – A landmark ruling on the legality of ā€œObamacareā€ has ended in unexpected compromise. Liberal and conservative factions of the Supreme Court have agreed to allow Americans to choose for themselves between extensive affordable healthcare coverage or a succulent medium-rare quarter-pound cheeseburger. According to Gallup polls, voters are unsure of whether to claim their burger now or wait for secondary rulings on French fry and soft-drink inclusion. Presidential candidate Rick Santorum has already seized the ruling as campaign material.

Obama Mic’d Up

WASHINGTON – President Obama inadvertently left his microphone turned on last Thursday, bluntly revealing to the country what it means to be leader of the free world: [10:02 a.m.] Glad this mic is turned off. [10:05 a.m.] Yo Joe, if I had a son, I hope he wouldn’t look like Mitch McConnell. At least he’d be an American citizen, though. I’m glad we raised taxes so we could spend all that extra money of the birth certificate forging department. [10:08

Limbaugh Regrets ā€˜Slut’ Insult, Really Meant To Say ā€˜Whore’

NEW YORK – Rush Limbaugh has been attacked from all sides for his reaction to Georgetown student Sandra Fluke testifying in front of Congress in favor of women’s rights, in which he called Fluke a ā€˜slut’. In a brilliant PR move, Limbaugh retracted his earlier statement, saying, ā€œI was wrong to say what I did. She isn’t a slut for trying to advance her beliefs through peaceful means, which was well within her natural rights; she’s more like a whore.ā€

Iran Wins Best Foreign Film, Abandons Nuclear Program

TEHRAN – Minutes after the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film was awarded to A Separation, the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that the country will abandon its controversial nuclear program. The president spoke from a makeshift stage set up in the middle of the city’s famous Azadi Square accompanied by a local dance troupe performing an elaborate interpretive dance sequence representing the award statuette. ā€œThis is the joyous day when the great state of Iran, with its glorious

Obama’s Plan to Grow Handlebar Mustache Meets Quick GOP Backlash

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama unveiled Tuesday a dramatic new vision for the future of his facial hair. Standing imperially at a podium in the East Room of the White House, Obama announced to the nation, ā€œToday, my face is clean-shaven; my mustache is nonexistent. America, I have decided that this is unacceptable. I have grown the economy the past few years, creating hundreds of thousands of jobs. But I have created nothing on my upper lip. This will all

Aging Obama Makes White House Wheelchair Friendly

Washington – The only thing more obvious than President Barack Obama’s high probability of being re-elected in November is the gray hair he has grown in recent months. With certain victory ahead, Obama will need to retool the White House if he hopes to live through four more years of a grueling presidency. In a 60 Minutes segment, a visibly tired Obama panted to a reporter, ā€œI think it’s fairly obvious that I’m going to be re-elected – I mean,

GOP Nominates Meryl Streep For President

WASHINGTON D.C. – After witnessing her powerful portrayal of UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady, the Republican Party has announced the nomination of Meryl Streep for candidacy for President of the United States.Ā  Predictions show that the lovely and talented Streep will pull ahead in the next primary, using her track record of Academy Awards and Golden Globes as an indication of her popularity with the masses and her ability to achieve. Many GOP politicians are shifting

Lake Michigan Milk Spill Dubbed ‘Most Unexpected Disaster in History’ by President Obama

MILWAUKEE – In response to the milk spill that covered the western rim of Lake Michigan with a layer of milk fat, President Obama visited the shores of Milwaukee to encourage the thousands of volunteers helping in the cleanup effort. The spilled milk has since spread over a large area, reaching as far as Western Michigan and the north shores of Chicago. Images of flocks of geese covered in milk fat have gathered attention from the press and garnered criticism

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