Category Archives: Politics

Inclusivity Win! To Welcome in the Holiday Season, Michael Schill Googles Kwanzaa

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Now that your roommate has finally returned home from his Halloweekend bender at U of I, it’s time to get ready for the holidays. Reports say that Northwestern’s administration is well-aware of the impending season and is “itching to finally get some good press for the first time since we filled in that lake.” Exclusive reports from within the offices of the Michael Schill, famed cheese lover and pet sniffer, indicate that the institution would like to expand the festivities

Read more Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 378, Politics, Religion, World, Year 16

Area Horse Girl Purposely Misses First Three Shots In P-I-G, Demands We Play H-O-R-S-E Instead

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Okay there we were, St. Incitatus Elementary. Sarah’s got the ball. Right under the hoop, granny stance set. It’s gotta be the easiest shot of her life, and she has three chances. P-I-G. That’s the name – er letters of the game. Invented by John Scarne in 1945, PIG has been a hallmark of PE fun ever since. Oddly enough, history purports Scarne and his gang of troubled youth would play the game with dice. That doesn’t make sense. We

Read more Featured, Headline, Latest News, No. 378, Politics, Sports, Uncategorized, Year 16

He Had to Do WHAT to WHO? John Wilkes Booth’s WILD Fantasy Football Punishment

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Spend 24 hours in a Waffle House, get a tattoo of your friend’s choosing, or perform at an open mic. These are some of the most popular fantasy football punishments for the poor saps who finish last in their league, but once upon a time a man made the news for his WILD punishment. And you’ll never guess what he did or who he did it to. John Wilkes Booth was just a regular joe competing in his local fantasy

Read more Featured, Latest News, Nation, No. 373, Politics, Sports, World, Year 16

CBS Execs Confirm R-Rated “Young Sheldon’s Big Bang” Coming March 2024

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Despite the ongoing SAG-AFTRA strike, CBS executives have announced that “Young Sheldon” star Iain Armitage will appear in an R-rated spinoff movie, “Young Sheldon’s Big Bang”, in March 2024. The movie will feature Armitage as an eighth-year super senior rushing a frat, boofing a keg, and subsequently finding the love of his life in the cancer ward of a hospital. CBS Chief Marketing Officer, Watchmi Mouvi, explained the network’s thought process behind the movie. “You know, when it comes down

Read more Entertainment, Featured, Headline, Latest News, No. 372, Politics, Year 16
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