Congress Gridlock Actually Due To Groundhog Day Time Loop
“I feel like we’re always talking about the debt ceiling and budget,” said Rep. Larry Bucshon (R-Indiana). “Is anyone else getting major dĂ©jĂ vu here?”
Category Archives: Politics
BREAKING: Carlos Danger Changes Name to Carlos Fucking Danger
NEW YORK, NY — Carlos Danger, the greatest Internet celebrity since hall-of-fame class act Amanda Bynes, has changed his name in response to the confused and critical responses he received on social media today. The Mexican vigilante and dick-pic-taker extraordinaire felt his identity was severely compromised and degraded when throngs of social media aficionados and standup wannabes criticized his vaguely racially-offensive pseudonym in somewhat more racially-offensive one-liners. “The idea to use my name as the label for the Republican immigration
Snowden Cleverly Disguises Self as Terrified, Disheveled Fugitive
MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Former NSA analyst Edward Snowden has evaded the clutches of his pursuers once again by cleverly adopting the disguise of a terrified, disheveled 60-year-old. Snowden’s continued freedom is believed to hinge on his new appearance being a sharp departure from the now-familiar photo of a fresh-faced 29-year-old idealist interviewed in a Hong Kong hotel room just two weeks ago by The Guardian. Multiple sources report that Snowden first adopted his new disguise while trapped in a Moscow
Iowa Infects Minnesota with Gay Marriage
ST. PAUL, MN — Fulfilling the prophecies of evangelical Christians nation-wide, the state of Minnesota has come down with a case of same-sex marriage after failing to keep its distance from infected state Iowa. The contagious legislation was signed into law Monday and the hellfire-summoning nuptials will begin in August. State Representative Chip Cravaack says he “totally called” the transformation of the state’s legislative orientation: “I knew when Minnesota started hanging out with the abnormal, deviant states, it would catch
What? I Thought Those Were Drone Strike Memos!
By Eric Holder Wait, what did I do? You mean I signed off on subpoenas for the phone records of the Associated Press, the most important news agency in the English speaking world? No way. Really? I don’t believe it. You mean I totally approved an inappropriate violation of journalistic integrity? Why would I do such an unspeakable thing? You’re seriously telling me that I just ordered the government to go out there and uncover protected sources? That’s just wrong.
NRA Denounces 3D-Printed Guns as Deadly, Free
NASHVILLE, TN — NRA Executive Vice President/Walking Effigy Wayne LaPierre took to the stage today to thoroughly denounce the recent spate of “3D-printed” guns as irresponsible, deadly, and a major unchecked threat to the security of his end of year bonus. Speaking to a rapt, ravenous audience of gun owners who seemingly didn’t have anywhere else to be on a Monday afternoon, LaPierre framed the plastic, largely-untraceable devices (which could become increasingly problematic as the price of 3D printers drop)
Congress Responds to Boston Explosions: “We Need More Bombs”
WASHINGTON — Congress acted quickly following the explosions that claimed three lives and injured many more at the Boston Marathon, resolving that the only way to fight against a bomb threat is for every person to have a bomb themselves. The bill that passed into law easily through both the Senate and the House legalized the possession of bombs by any American citizen over the age of 18. “Bombs don’t kill people, people kill people,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas). “We need
This Week in the Supreme Court, Vol. I: King Challenges Maryland’s Sovereignty
On Thursday, the court heard arguments for Shelby County v. Holder. The case asked whether sections of the Voting Rights Act are still constitutional, considering that a black guy is the president.
Obama Puzzled That Republicans Didn’t Compromise to Avoid Getting Exactly What They Wanted
WASHINGTON — Sequestration began March 1 when Congress failed to pass any legislation that would allow the government to avoid the massive spending cuts. President Obama was reportedly “saddened and disappointed” that House Republicans did not meet his demands of a “balanced approach” of tax increases and spending cuts to evade the sequestration, especially since Republicans seemed to be “going Democrat” with their recent statements supporting gay marriage. Speaker of the House John Boehner said in a press conference, “What
Biden Tries to Boost National Economy with Meth Lab
WASHINGTON — After a recent fire was put out in the West Wing of the White House, investigators found Vice President Biden and Former President Clinton working on a meth lab to help alleviate the United States’ financial woes. The subsequent investigation and closure of the operation revealed unimagined details about the inner workings of the White House. Biden commented, “Listen, I talked to Bernanke, he kept saying a bunch of bullshit about interest rates and bubbles as if I