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What? I Thought Those Were Drone Strike Memos!

May 21, 2013 Brian Lee Leave a comment

By Eric Holder Wait, what did I do? You mean I signed off on subpoenas for the phone records of the Associated Press, the most important news agency in the English speaking world? No way. Really? I don’t believe it. You mean I totally approved an inappropriate violation of journalistic integrity? Why would I do such an unspeakable thing? You’re seriously telling me that I just ordered the government to go out there and uncover protected sources? That’s just wrong.

NRA Denounces 3D-Printed Guns as Deadly, Free

May 15, 2013 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

NASHVILLE, TN — NRA Executive Vice President/Walking Effigy Wayne LaPierre took to the stage today to thoroughly denounce the recent spate of “3D-printed” guns as irresponsible, deadly, and a major unchecked threat to the security of his end of year bonus. Speaking to a rapt, ravenous audience of gun owners who seemingly didn’t have anywhere else to be on a Monday afternoon, LaPierre framed the plastic, largely-untraceable devices (which could become increasingly problematic as the price of 3D printers drop)

Congress Responds to Boston Explosions: “We Need More Bombs”

April 25, 2013 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

WASHINGTON — Congress acted quickly following the explosions that claimed three lives and injured many more at the Boston Marathon, resolving that the only way to fight against a bomb threat is for every person to have a bomb themselves. The bill that passed into law easily through both the Senate and the House legalized the possession of bombs by any American citizen over the age of 18. “Bombs don’t kill people, people kill people,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas). “We need

This Week in the Supreme Court, Vol. I: King Challenges Maryland’s Sovereignty

March 6, 2013 Brian Lee Leave a comment

On Thursday, the court heard arguments for Shelby County v. Holder. The case asked whether sections of the Voting Rights Act are still constitutional, considering that a black guy is the president.

Obama Puzzled That Republicans Didn’t Compromise to Avoid Getting Exactly What They Wanted

March 5, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

WASHINGTON — Sequestration began March 1 when Congress failed to pass any legislation that would allow the government to avoid the massive spending cuts. President Obama was reportedly “saddened and disappointed” that House Republicans did not meet his demands of a “balanced approach” of tax increases and spending cuts to evade the sequestration, especially since Republicans seemed to be “going Democrat” with their recent statements supporting gay marriage. Speaker of the House John Boehner said in a press conference, “What

Biden Tries to Boost National Economy with Meth Lab

February 9, 2013 Janesh Rahlan Leave a comment

WASHINGTON — After a recent fire was put out in the West Wing of the White House, investigators found Vice President Biden and Former President Clinton working on a meth lab to help alleviate the United States’ financial woes. The subsequent investigation and closure of the operation revealed unimagined details about the inner workings of the White House. Biden commented, “Listen, I talked to Bernanke, he kept saying a bunch of bullshit about interest rates and bubbles as if I

Clinton Testimony Ends in Pain Reliever Review

January 28, 2013 Janesh Rahlan Leave a comment

WASHINGTON — In yet another attempt to cover up their ill fate in the 2012 elections, Republicans demanded a hearing on the Benghazi attacks with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. The first fifteen minutes of the hearing involved multiple people thanking Clinton for not getting bangs, saying, “it’s just too flirty for our taste.” The fifteen minutes after that included clarification on which video provoked the protests, with certain members claiming it was the music video to Justin Beiber’s “Beauty

NRA Lobbyist Forced to Undergo Background Check Before Purchasing Congressman

January 23, 2013 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

WASHINGTON –- NRA lobbyist Jack O’Neal fumed yesterday upon learning that he would be forced to undergo an extensive background check and 5-day waiting period before purchasing a new Congressman. O’Neal, an avid collector of US representatives, claims to have purchased eight senators in the past, and proudly boasts that not a single one has been registered with the proper authorities. “I fuckin’ knew it!” O’Neal reportedly ranted to anyone in earshot. “I knew Obama was comin’ for my senators!

Senate Confirms Bagel as Secretary of Defense

January 20, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

WASHINGTON — The Senate today confirmed a bagel as the nation’s next Secretary of Defense in a stunning show of bipartisanship. After it became clear that the confirmation of Chuck Hagel would be an insurmountable political obstacle, President Barack Obama nominated part of his breakfast instead. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) stated, “While this bagel isn’t the ideal choice, it’s at least palatable to most members of the Senate. He’s bland, holding no controversial positions, and it is adaptable

Michigan Passes Right to Twerk Bill

January 8, 2013 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

LANSING, MI — Michigan recently passed controversial changes to the state’s Twerker’s Rights Laws and has the rap video ho community up in arms. Right to Twerk is an initiative that allows rap video hos to be selected off the street without having to pass through a standard audition process. According to rap video ho extraordinaire Ivana Humpalot, famous for having the credit card swiped through her ass in Nelly’s “Tip Drill” video, “Auditions involve sleeping with a member of

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