Category Archives: Politics

BREAKING: Carlos Danger Changes Name to Carlos Fucking Danger

NEW YORK, NY — Carlos Danger, the greatest Internet celebrity since hall-of-fame class act Amanda Bynes, has changed his name in response to the confused and critical responses he received on social media today. The Mexican vigilante and dick-pic-taker extraordinaire felt his identity was severely compromised and degraded when throngs of social media aficionados and standup wannabes criticized his vaguely racially-offensive pseudonym in somewhat more racially-offensive one-liners. “The idea to use my name as the label for the Republican immigration

Snowden Cleverly Disguises Self as Terrified, Disheveled Fugitive

MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Former NSA analyst Edward Snowden has evaded the clutches of his pursuers once again by cleverly adopting the disguise of a terrified, disheveled 60-year-old. Snowden’s continued freedom is believed to hinge on his new appearance being a sharp departure from the now-familiar photo of a fresh-faced 29-year-old idealist interviewed in a Hong Kong hotel room just two weeks ago by The Guardian. Multiple sources report that Snowden first adopted his new disguise while trapped in a Moscow

Iowa Infects Minnesota with Gay Marriage

ST. PAUL, MN — Fulfilling the prophecies of evangelical Christians nation-wide, the state of Minnesota has come down with a case of same-sex marriage after failing to keep its distance from infected state Iowa. The contagious legislation was signed into law Monday and the hellfire-summoning nuptials will begin in August. State Representative Chip Cravaack says he “totally called” the transformation of the state’s legislative orientation: “I knew when Minnesota started hanging out with the abnormal, deviant states, it would catch

What? I Thought Those Were Drone Strike Memos!

By Eric Holder Wait, what did I do? You mean I signed off on subpoenas for the phone records of the Associated Press, the most important news agency in the English speaking world? No way. Really? I don’t believe it. You mean I totally approved an inappropriate violation of journalistic integrity? Why would I do such an unspeakable thing? You’re seriously telling me that I just ordered the government to go out there and uncover protected sources? That’s just wrong.

NRA Denounces 3D-Printed Guns as Deadly, Free

NASHVILLE, TN — NRA Executive Vice President/Walking Effigy Wayne LaPierre took to the stage today to thoroughly denounce the recent spate of “3D-printed” guns as irresponsible, deadly, and a major unchecked threat to the security of his end of year bonus. Speaking to a rapt, ravenous audience of gun owners who seemingly didn’t have anywhere else to be on a Monday afternoon, LaPierre framed the plastic, largely-untraceable devices (which could become increasingly problematic as the price of 3D printers drop)

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