Senator Cruz touched upon the Socialist implications of randomly distributing cards to the players and having a equitably rotating judge pick a card based on its humor or applicability.
“At… At first I thought that we could just throw some illegals its way and everything would be fine, but then I realized that it only wanted Americans,” stammered House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA).
“I feel like we’re always talking about the debt ceiling and budget,” said Rep. Larry Bucshon (R-Indiana). “Is anyone else getting major dĂ©jĂ vu here?”
NEW YORK, NY — Carlos Danger, the greatest Internet celebrity since hall-of-fame class act Amanda Bynes, has changed his name in response to the confused and critical responses he received on social media today. The Mexican vigilante and dick-pic-taker extraordinaire felt his identity was severely compromised and degraded when throngs of social media aficionados and standup wannabes criticized his vaguely racially-offensive pseudonym in somewhat more racially-offensive one-liners. “The idea to use my name as the label for the Republican immigration
MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Former NSA analyst Edward Snowden has evaded the clutches of his pursuers once again by cleverly adopting the disguise of a terrified, disheveled 60-year-old. Snowden’s continued freedom is believed to hinge on his new appearance being a sharp departure from the now-familiar photo of a fresh-faced 29-year-old idealist interviewed in a Hong Kong hotel room just two weeks ago by The Guardian. Multiple sources report that Snowden first adopted his new disguise while trapped in a Moscow
ST. PAUL, MN — Fulfilling the prophecies of evangelical Christians nation-wide, the state of Minnesota has come down with a case of same-sex marriage after failing to keep its distance from infected state Iowa. The contagious legislation was signed into law Monday and the hellfire-summoning nuptials will begin in August. State Representative Chip Cravaack says he “totally called” the transformation of the state’s legislative orientation: “I knew when Minnesota started hanging out with the abnormal, deviant states, it would catch
By Eric Holder Wait, what did I do? You mean I signed off on subpoenas for the phone records of the Associated Press, the most important news agency in the English speaking world? No way. Really? I don’t believe it. You mean I totally approved an inappropriate violation of journalistic integrity? Why would I do such an unspeakable thing? You’re seriously telling me that I just ordered the government to go out there and uncover protected sources? That’s just wrong.
NASHVILLE, TN — NRA Executive Vice President/Walking Effigy Wayne LaPierre took to the stage today to thoroughly denounce the recent spate of “3D-printed” guns as irresponsible, deadly, and a major unchecked threat to the security of his end of year bonus. Speaking to a rapt, ravenous audience of gun owners who seemingly didn’t have anywhere else to be on a Monday afternoon, LaPierre framed the plastic, largely-untraceable devices (which could become increasingly problematic as the price of 3D printers drop)
WASHINGTON — Congress acted quickly following the explosions that claimed three lives and injured many more at the Boston Marathon, resolving that the only way to fight against a bomb threat is for every person to have a bomb themselves. The bill that passed into law easily through both the Senate and the House legalized the possession of bombs by any American citizen over the age of 18. “Bombs don’t kill people, people kill people,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas). “We need
On Thursday, the court heard arguments for Shelby County v. Holder. The case asked whether sections of the Voting Rights Act are still constitutional, considering that a black guy is the president.